


I hate the way I don't hate you

by daddyoshie



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: 2010-2011 NHL Season, 2011-2012 NHL Season, Friends to Lovers, Humor, M/M, Pining, Washington Capitals, background carlzner, bc everything i write has to be funny that's just who i am, intervening friends, nicke being mad at himself for having feelings, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-01-16 19:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21276125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daddyoshie/pseuds/daddyoshie
Summary: “Why aren’t you answering him?” Marcus asked.Scowling, Nicky crossed his arms. “I’m still mad at him.”Marcus scoffed. “Okay. Sure. ‘Mad.’”





	I hate the way I don't hate you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WeaglesAndBrobeans](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeaglesAndBrobeans/gifts).

> To my lovely recipient: you gave me a little bit of vague free reign for this particular pairing, and I tried my very best to think up something you might like. Hey, if nothing else, it's a long one. I do really hope you enjoy!
> 
> A huge thank you to greenur for the beta, I really really appreciate it, I know this thing is long. And a big thanks to Alex for all the creative help.
> 
> Notes: This fic takes place over the course of the 2010-11 and 2011-12 seasons. This also takes place in a world in which Nicky’s 2011-12 injury doesn’t exist. Also, please be forgiving of my lack of accuracy of Russian accents, I’m trying my best. And please suspend disbelief and believe that all conversations between Nicky and Mojo are in Swedish.  
All line breaks represent significant shifts in time.  
For clarification purposes: All mentions of “Alex” refer to Ovi, and all mentions of “Sasha” refer to Alex Semin.
> 
> A disclaimer: Later in this fic, there is a scene in which Sean Avery looks to actively target and hurt Nicky. I want to be clear that this never actually happened. I have nothing against Avery, I know nothing about him and I don’t even wish to speak ill of him, I just needed to pick a goon from that time for the purpose of the narrative. This entire thing was made up for the fic.
> 
> And yes, the title is from the poem in 10 Things I Hate About You.

Nicky had lost track of how late it was. It could’ve been eleven PM, or it could’ve been three in the morning, for all he knew. All he knew was that they were on the bus, and he was absolutely exhausted. The game they’d just played had taken a toll. Nicky had skated for over twenty minutes — and a hard twenty minutes. He’d blocked about eight shots, he’d thrown — and been on the receiving end of — a large number of crunching hits, and he’d had to help kill an absurd amount of penalties. His body ached, and trying to stay awake felt like an increasingly strenuous task.

He had been half asleep from the second he stepped onto the bus, and he was so focused on how much he wanted to be at home and crawl into bed that it took him a long time to realize there was a hand in his hair.

He glanced to his right at Alex in the seat next to him, who had his hand tangled in his hair, absentmindedly playing with his curls. That was new. Were it anyone else, Nicky would have smacked them. But it was Alex, and maybe his brain was just incredibly drowsy at the moment, but Nicky actually thought it was nice. He liked the warmth he was feeling, and the light brushing of his hand at the nape of his neck. He could fall asleep like this.

Nicky shifted in his seat, intending to get into a more comfortable sleeping position, but then he realized Alex wasn’t the only one who wasn’t paying much mind to what his body was doing. Nicky had slumped onto Alex, his head up against his shoulder, and his hand completely splayed out onto Alex’s leg. No wonder he was feeling so warm. He should probably move, but he was too exhausted to care. Alex didn’t seem to care, either. So there he stayed. He could  _ definitely _ fall asleep like this.

Then a voice piped up from the seat behind them. “Hey, Ovi, Nicky.” John popped his head up over the seats. “Either of you guys have a phone charger?” Then he got a good look at the two of them. “Boooooooooo, get a room.”

Alex scrunched up his face and looked back at him. “ _ You _ get a room.”

John pointed at him. “You know what? You got me there.”

On cue, Karl’s voice piped up from the seat next to John. “John, sit down, you idiot.”

John complied and sat back down, and the two of them back there burst into a fit of giggles. Nicky just prayed they would keep it PG.

Alex practically read his mind. “How long before they sneak off to the bathroom together?” he asked low enough so only Nicky could hear.

“Ten minutes,” Nicky replied, his voice barely above a rumble. Sleep was going to take him any minute now.

“That long, huh?”

Nicky cracked a grin. “I like to believe they have  _ some _ restraint.”

They made him eat his words almost immediately, because within thirty seconds of that sentence leaving his mouth, he heard the both of them get up and not-so-subtly scramble to the bathroom at the back of the bus.

Alex tugged on Nicky’s hair. “You were saying?”

Nicky sighed. “I should have known better. Can’t they control themselves for like, one night? Who wants to see them hanging all over each other all the time?”

“I know, sickening.”

Nicky let out a big yawn. Yup, this was when sleep was going to take him. “I’m gonna go to sleep. Now be a good pillow and shut up.”

Alex chuckled. “Whatever you want, Nick.”

Nicky settled in, nestling his head into Alex’s shoulder until he got comfortable. He could already feel gravity tugging on his eyelids and sleep descending on him. He felt himself so close to drifting off, but then another voice broke through his fog, this time calling his name.

“Hey, Nick,” it was Mike, this time from the seat in front of them. He popped his head over to look back. “Do you…”

But then Mike got a look at their current state and let his question trail off. Then he grinned real wide. “You know what? Nevermind.” He sank back down into his seat.

That was a strange look on Mike’s face, but frankly, Nicky didn’t care. Mike was probably just mad he didn’t have anyone on the team who would let him use them as a pillow. Nicky certainly wouldn’t have let him. Mike wasn’t Alex (sorry, Mike). He wasn’t close with anyone else quite like he was with Alex.

Luckily, within moments he had already forgotten about the whole thing, and his brain finally, mercifully, let him drift off to sleep.

* * *

Throughout the years, he and Alex had become a synonymous pair together on the ice. Everything between the two of them had become intuition at this point. Nicky knew where Alex would be, Alex knew where Nicky would be, and they (almost) always listened to each other. The problem: they had never had a consistent linemate. They were in the middle of year four together, and Nicky could rattle off a list of probably dozens of right wings they’d had. At the moment, the rotating cast of right wings consisted primarily of Sasha and Mike Knuble, but they never stayed there for long. Knuble once grumbled at them and told them they were “difficult to play with,” and Nicky, well, understood why.

It was the first period at home against Atlanta; Nicky was lined up at the faceoff dot, with Alex to his left and Sasha to his right. As the linesman was getting set up, Alex skated over to Nicky and whispered to him, his warm breath tickling Nicky’s ear.

“Win it forward,” he said. “I’m gonna score.”

Nicky nodded. Alex backed up to his spot, and Nicky got into ready position. He won it forward, just like Alex said, and Alex was ready for it — he got space and fired a wicked shot that  _ just _ deflected off the goalie’s stick. It almost worked.

They skated back to the bench for a change, Nicky sliding in next to Alex.

“I gotta give it to you, Alex,” he said. “That actually almost worked.”

“Only ‘cause you give me great pass.” Alex grinned.

Nicky smiled. “Clearly not good enough, it didn’t go into the net.”

Alex shrugged. “Sometimes goalie fuck you.”

“Next time he should buy you dinner first.”

Alex burst into a fit of giggles so infectious that Nicky could help but break out into giggles himself. Sasha, to Alex’s other side, glanced over at them and gave them a very judgmental look, scrunching up his face. Nicky didn’t pay him much mind. He would’ve laughed too if he’d heard the joke.

Later in the period, they were out on the ice again, getting ready for a play off the faceoff. Nicky looked at Alex. He wanted to win the draw back and then get an offensive cycle going. He flicked his eyes backwards. Alex nodded. And with that, they got down to work. Nicky won the faceoff and immediately passed it back to Alex, who got the cycle started. They got a couple of good scoring chances, but once again, the goalie robbed them. And he didn’t even buy them dinner first, how rude.

They returned to the bench, and Nicky immediately started talking to Alex about tweaks he wanted to make to their setup. Alex was nodding, listening intently. Then Sasha emphatically slid onto the bench next to them. He didn’t look too pleased.

“What the hell? You know, I am also on the line.”

Nicky furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”

“Talk to me! You say nothing on the ice!” Sasha exclaimed. “I know you have mind meld, but I like to be included.”

Ah. Oops. Nicky knew that communication was important of course, but with Alex they could read each other’s body language and facial features on the ice so well that sometimes talking didn’t seem necessary. Though every once in awhile it slipped Nicky’s mind that the rest of his teammates needed words.

Alex looked at Nicky; Nicky caught the hint of a smirk and the glint in his eye, a look that said, “He’s just mad he’s too stupid to understand.”

And of course, the two of them got themselves into another giggling fit, which just frustrated Sasha even more. He threw his hands in the air in exasperation. “I am done. Someone else’s turn to be your liney next game.”

Nicky and Alex just giggled all the more at this. Yeah, he knew they were annoying to play with because they were on their own unique plane of thinking, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. He’d never had someone who knew him so closely and intimately, someone he had good chemistry with both on and off the ice. He didn’t expect people to quite understand their relationship, but they didn’t need to. He liked all the jokes and conversations that were kept just between the two of them. Though at the end of the day, it was really just nice to have a friend. And nothing was going to change that.

* * *

Nicky didn’t come to the karaoke parties to actually participate in the karaoke; he came to the karaoke parties to get fucking drunk. Karaoke was exponentially more entertaining and listenable after about three drinks, and there would for sure be alcohol abound at these things. Alex always made sure of that.

As was tradition, the rookies were forced to go first. Which, of course, meant the soft-spoken Marcus would be forced up to the mic. Marcus went wide-eyed in horror as Alex shoved a microphone into his hand. Nicky took a little pity on him and convinced Alex to let him sing “Dancing Queen,” so he’d at least have a little familiarity. Nicky knew what that feeling was like, but it was also hilarious to watch Marcus horribly botch his way through ABBA.

Nicky was already through one beer by the time Marcus finished his song to raucous applause. Marcus immediately skittered away from the spotlight and sunk into his spot next to Nicky.

“How was your first karaoke experience?” Nicky asked, a smirk on his face.

“I hate you,” Marcus growled. “I hate all of you.”

“You’ll get over it.”

Marcus started to grumble some more, but Nicky handed him a beer, and soon all was forgiven.

One by one, guys got their turn at the mic, singing songs with less and less cohesion as the night went on. Nicky was  _ also  _ feeling less and less cohesive as the night went on — a near-endless stream of booze would do that to you. He  _ knew _ in his brain that Mike’s rendition of “I Gotta Feeling” was not  _ good _ , but emotionally it felt like a vocal masterpiece to Nicky.

Then Alex sauntered over and swiped the mic. This was when the party really got started. Alex always put on a show. Albeit, a ridiculous show, but always entertaining. Nicky found himself leaning in in anticipation.

“Turn the volume up, babes,” Alex said into the microphone. “We gonna have a fun time with this.”

Nicky found himself wondering what it was going to be this time. Alex had a pretty eclectic taste when it came to karaoke. Would he go with something Russian? A rock song from Mike’s playlist? Some rap? A classic crowd pleaser? It could be anything.

But then the music fired up, and blasting over the speaker came Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” which, to say the least, was a bit of a surprise. But it didn’t matter, because Alex was going all-out with it just like he would any other song. Belting out the lyrics incredibly horribly, missing about a word every sentence, dancing with reckless abandon. Nicky felt entranced. He couldn’t help but smile, watching him perform full of passion and without a care in the world, and Nicky laughed a little when he started to make an even bigger fool of himself. If Nicky closed his eyes, he could imagine himself being that carefree.

And then Alex turned toward Nicky and locked eyes directly with him. Suddenly he felt something catch in his gut as those blue eyes seemed to stare directly into his soul. For a moment, Nicky couldn’t move. Or breathe.

Then Alex started walking in his direction. Well, he didn’t exactly walk, he sort of danced his way toward him. Nicky felt the back of his neck get hotter and hotter the closer he got. Despite how ridiculous it sounded, he found himself fearing what Alex would do when he reached him. Well, maybe not fear...maybe feeling anxious was the better word. Regardless, he did not like the sudden tight feeling in his chest.

Then Alex was right in front of him, just a microphone’s length away from his face. His heart started beating fast and loud in his chest. Nicky’s entire body went hot, and in his soupy mind, he registered the lyrics that Alex was belting just inches away from him: “ _ I wanna dance with somebody; With somebody who loves me _ .”

Nicky’s head started to spin. He knew he’d drunk far too much, but he felt incredibly woozy. He looked into Alex’s eyes, which still held Nicky’s own. He wasn’t singing those words  _ at _ him, was he? No, he couldn’t be. It was just a song. No need to get worked up about it. Wait, why  _ was _ he getting worked up about it?

Mercifully, in the middle of the next verse Alex started to wander about the room again, and Nicky let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He felt...strange. Sweaty, for sure, and a little bit like someone had been looking at him while he’d been shirtless or something. He felt weird, and he didn’t like it. What the fuck just happened?

He looked over at Alex, who was currently trying to get Sasha to get up and dance, and suddenly he felt like he was on fire. He instinctively reached up to the nape of his neck, the spot where Alex had had his hand in his hair all those nights ago, which burned like crazy. Every single part of him burned. And he just felt so...well, he couldn’t exactly place what he felt. It was like there was something inside him that was bubbling over, threatening to make him pop. He felt so heated and overwhelmed. He looked at Alex’s face, and his chest burst into flames, and he felt a little like his head was going to explode. He was still mired in confusion, but he was beginning to place the emotion he was feeling: anger (at least, he was pretty sure it was anger). He didn’t know exactly what it was, but whenever he looked at Alex’s face, this rush of volatile feelings came swarming back. He did not like that at all, and thus he did not want to look at his face. He hated the fact that he was feeling this way, he knew it had to do with Alex, and he was incredibly mad about it.

Nicky huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. He glanced over at Marcus sitting next to him. Marcus raised an eyebrow at him, but Nicky just scowled and took an aggressive swig of his beer. He didn’t have the energy to retort to Marcus right now. All he could think about was how hot and upset he was.

* * *

Evidently, the anger Nicky felt was not just an experience brought on by too much alcohol. It lingered into the next practice, and the second Nicky saw Alex’s face, the flames in his stomach lit up. But he wasn’t going to let that show to anyone else. He tried his hardest to keep a neutral expression plastered to his face.

“Hey, Nicke!” Alex greeted with a bright smile. “You have fun time this weekend? You look like you have fun time. And you don’t even look like you have hangover, you still look beautiful and your hair so shiny today.”

He reached out to touch him, like he always did, but Nicky suddenly went red hot and panic alarms went off in his head. He couldn’t touch him right now; Nicky had no idea how that might make him feel or react. He turned his shoulder, just the subtlest amount, and denied him contact. Then he turned on his most cordial, interacting-with-customer-service voice.

“Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I did have a satisfying time. I look forward to attending something similar in the future.” Then he gave a polite nod of the head and walked away, attempting to remember what he needed to do for practice.

To anyone else, that shoulder turn might have seemed like nothing at all, like Nicky had just shifted himself. But Alex knew that that was no small thing.

Nicky wasn’t afraid to give people the cold shoulder, but never to Alex, and Alex clearly was not responding well to getting rebuffed. Alex would probably respond better if Nicky actually acted as ired as he felt, but instead he just acted distant, like they were acquaintances doing a work project together. He tried not to act particularly interested in anything he was doing. Nicky didn’t joke back with him, he responded back to him flatly and simply, and he tried not to look at him if he didn’t have to — and if he had to, he kept his expression completely blank. Every time Alex tried to touch him, Nicky always took a step back or made some move to subtly maneuver himself away, and this seemed to be what upset Alex the most.

And Nicky wasn’t proud of this, but it began to affect their play out on the ice. Out in practice, where they were usually in constant communication, Nicky slowed their communication to the bare minimum. The idea of talking to him more than necessary right now just wreaked havoc on him. It was like talking to the cousin you don’t like at a family gathering; Alex kept trying to engage with him, and Nicky would give a polite response but then turn his head and try to make it clear he wasn’t interested in talking anymore. This was so incredibly different from the way Nicky normally treated him that every attempt just got Alex more and more confused.

Their play suffered. Passes were just a little too hard on the stick, they were never in the right position, things just didn’t seem to work. Alex began to get frustrated and upset. As practice went on, Alex seemed to get more and more wound up; every pass he gave was just a little more tense, and every shot he took was just a little more violent. Nicky was beginning to get a little frustrated by their lack of cohesion, as well.

It got to a breaking point when Alex sent a pass to Nicky that had a little bit too much power and height on it, and it just missed hitting Nicky in the midsection.

Nicky pursed his lips. “You know what? I’m done.” He skated over to Marcus, who was lingering by the bench with an uneasy expression on his face. “I can’t deal with him anymore. Jojo, you center him for now. Take him, I don’t want to deal with him.”

Marcus’s face twisted. “Don’t drag me in the middle of whatever’s going on with you two.”

Nicky bristled, and his face flushed. “There is nothing ‘going on.’ I just can’t fucking deal with him right now. I can’t look at his face. Just take him. For the good of the team.”

Marcus groaned loudly, but the coaching staff seemed to agree with Nicky, as they put Alex on Marcus’s line for the rest of practice, and that was how it stayed for the next game. Nicky watched from the bench as Alex skated alongside Marcus, instead of himself. He had to admit it was weird to see him with someone else, and part of him ached to hop over the boards and shove Marcus back onto the bench so he could take his place. But he just got hot and angry thinking about it.

Since he was usually by Alex’s side during games, he almost never got a chance to watch him from a distance. Good lord, was he a sight to see. The biggest guy out there, barreling towards the net like a runaway freight train, with a blood-chilling shot. The stuff he was able to do was just awe-inspiring.

He knew he’d said that he didn’t want to look at him, but he looked. He couldn’t help it. It was like there was a magnetic pull that he couldn’t resist. Leaning over during a stoppage in play, Alex was breathing hard, his face completely flushed pink, and his brow and hair dripping with sweat. He liked the way that made him look. He wanted to go out there and touch his hot skin, maybe put a hand in his gross, sweaty hair.

Nicky stopped himself. What the fuck was he thinking? It looked like his brain was headed down a path Nicky felt he should _ not _ trek, one which he did not even want to think about following. And yet, every time he looked over at Alex, those thoughts came creeping back. Oh boy, Nicky did not like this direction his thoughts were spiraling towards. He was disgusted with himself.

Nicky came to the realization that it would probably be for the best if he spent a little less time with Alex, at least for now. It would be better for the health of everyone involved if they got a little space. But mainly, Nicky just  _ refused _ to think about this. He did not want to confront the things that were happening to him, and he absolutely did not want to look at Alex while his insides were roiled in turmoil.

At that moment, Alex skated to the bench right in front of him, and Nicky had to stop himself from exploding. He leaned over and spoke to Nicky and Mike, who was sitting directly next to him.

“Hey, these guys keep up what they’re doing, they bound to do something stupid and give us power play soon. So get ready.”

As he skated off, Mike nodded, and Nicky scowled and assumed the maturity of a twelve-year-old.

“‘Get ready for a power play,’” he mocked. “Yeah, fine. We get it. Dickhead.”

He’d thought he’d been mumbling quietly to himself, but apparently not quiet enough, as Mike turned to him with his brow creased in concern. “Dude, what’s wrong with you?”

Nicky bristled. “Nothing. Shut up, Mike.”

Mike looked like he wanted to press further, but one murderous glance from Nicky was enough to keep him quiet. Mike didn’t need to get himself involved in Nicky’s feelings, and he certainly didn’t need him to fucking judge him about it. Nicky was going to keep all of his feelings bottled up, and then one day he’d die, and no one would ever find out.

* * *

Nicky huffed as he walked up the front steps to the house. Did he still have the key? He fished through his pockets. Yes, he still had the key. It was a lot easier to just let himself in than to ask to come over and wait to be let in.

He unlocked the door and then burst into the house, making probably more fuss than was necessary. Mike looked up from his spot on the couch, his face covered with surprise.

“Nicky? What are you doing here?”

Nicky walked over and plopped himself down on the other end of the couch. “I need to stay here for awhile. Alex keeps asking me to hang out, but I just don’t want to right now, because I…” Nicky huffed in frustration. His plan to slowly start hanging out with Alex a little less was more difficult when Alex kept calling him and when he kept asking him to grab lunch or whatever. “Anyway, I’m gonna hang out here, in case he decides to head over to my house. I don’t really want him to find me.”

“Okay,” Mike said hesitantly. “What’s going on, did something happen?”

Something had definitely happened, alright; just not physically, and he certainly wasn’t going to talk to Mike about it. “No, I’m just...mad at him, is all,” he answered curtly.

“Why?”

Nicky crossed his arms. “I don’t know. I just am.”

Mike narrowed his eyes and raised his eyebrow in suspicion. Nicky didn’t like that look he was giving him, so he quickly turned his head away from him toward whatever Mike had been watching on TV. Whatever. He didn’t need any of this from Mike right now. He just needed to stop thinking about Alex’s stupid face, and he needed to stay here for as long as possible. He didn’t want to see his face if he showed up at Nicky’s house. Right now, nothing exasperated him as much as that face.

* * *

Nicky should have known that he wouldn’t be allowed to fade away quietly. He had been trying to see Alex less and less, and he thought it might have been working, until one day at practice Alex came up to him and confronted him about it.

“Nicky, have you been avoiding me?”

For a moment, Nicky panicked, thinking that maybe his strategy was being found out. He didn’t want that to happen. He steeled his gaze. “No, I have not.”

“I feel like you are,” Alex said. “Every time I call you say you can’t go do anything.”

Nicky pursed his lips, his voice coming out a little tense. “I have just been tired. And you know, sometimes I don't want to go to some loud bar with a lot of people. Sometimes I just want to stay home.”

“Can you at least talk to me? You feel far away.”

There was a subtle shift in Alex’s eyes, and Nicky felt a pang in his heart. He didn’t like that he was hurting him. He might have been driving Nicky mad, but he was still Alex. Nicky kept his tone neutral, trying to keep the pain out of his voice. “Sometimes I don’t want to talk.”

Alex exhaled, the exasperation evident. “You know, you have been really frustrating to deal with lately.”

“Oh yeah? Well, so have you.”

“What did I even do?”

What  _ didn’t  _ he do? He only did everything to Nicky, but Nicky couldn’t mention any of that out loud. “I don’t know.”

“Then why are you upset?”

“I just am.”

Alex gave him a look. “Come on. I know you pretty well, Nicky. And you usually have a reason for things.”

Nicky’s heart dropped into his stomach. No, he couldn’t have figured it out, could he? It would’ve been Nicky’s worst nightmare. But how would he have figured it out? There was no way  _ that  _ would’ve been what he guessed was the reason. Still, the thought of being found out terrified him to the point where he felt he needed to remove himself before he said or did anything he’d regret.

He skated back a couple inches. “You know what? I don’t want to deal with this right now. I don’t think we’re going to be productive with each other today.” Nicky skated over towards Marcus, who had been off to the side watching this unfold. “Jojo, you deal with him.”

Marcus sighed. “Ugh, again?”

Yes, again. “You deal with him” had come to mean “It’s time for you to center Alex again.” This had happened a couple times over the last couple of weeks, and Nicky knew Marcus was absolutely sick of it by now. He knew the coaches didn’t like it either, not at all. They’d been real mad at the both of them for basically forcing the occasional shift in lines, but in truth, when they had their tense moments, it was better for the whole team if they had their time apart; everyone was more productive that way. And frankly, Nicky felt it was necessary. He couldn’t deal with him, he was driving him insane in every way.

Nicky behind Marcus and pushed him in Alex’s direction. Marcus just huffed and shook his head at Nicky. “This is ridiculous. Just talk it out.”

In response, Nicky just pushed him harder. Nope, that would not be happening. No way in hell Nicky would  _ ever _ talk to Alex about this.

* * *

They were at the same bar they always went to when they were in Philly. They had already drowned themselves in beer, and Alex and Sasha were already out making a fuss on the impromptu dance floor. Nicky was tucked deep into the corner of the booth, already two beers deeper than usual. He needed it, he was in a crabby mood.

He heard Alex’s booming laughter from out in the middle of the bar, and Nicky’s face twisted into a scowl. Just the sound of his voice infuriated him right now. He didn’t want to hear him, he didn’t want to look at him. The thought of his stupid face sent Nicky into a heated frenzy. He took a forceful swig of his beer.

“You alright, Nick?” Mike asked from his seat across the table. “You look a little wound up.”

Nicky slammed his beer down on the table. “Can I vent to you, Greenie? I think I need to vent.”

Mike seemed a little bit surprised. “Uh, sure, go ahead.”

Nicky sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Alex has just been driving me absolutely insane lately. I don’t know why, but every single thing he does annoys me. I just…” he exhaled. “Sometimes I feel like I just need a fucking break.”

Mike nodded. “Yeah, I feel you. He can be a bit much. Remember when he almost killed me in the utility cart? And sometimes I just want him to quiet down like a  _ little _ bit, I love him but man, Ovi, sometimes you are  _ too _ loud —”

“Hey!” Nicky barked. “Don’t you fucking  _ dare _ talk about him like that!”

Mike furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “But you were the one who  _ just _ said you were annoyed by him.”

“Oh, I am.”

“I thought you were mad at him or something.”

“Oh, I definitely am.”

But then Nicky thought about it for a second. Was he  _ really _ mad at Alex? Or was he just mad at himself for getting hot and bothered by him? He decided that was a question he was going to think about later, because he did not want to answer that right now.

Mike just looked all sorts of confused. “But you...why... _ you _ …” He quickly gave up. “Whatever, man.” He still looked at Nicky like he was analyzing him, which Nicky did not particularly like, but whatever.

Mike could look at him all judgmental like that if he wanted, Nicky didn’t care. Nicky didn’t know why, but the second something negative about Alex came out of Mike’s mouth, he felt the instinctive urge to protect him right away. No one should talk about Alex like that. Well, no one but Nicky. He felt his cheeks burn at his thoughts, and he immediately tightened his grip on his beer. Nothing like drowning himself in alcohol to avoid dealing with his feelings.

* * *

He didn’t know how Marcus had convinced him to watch horrible Swedish television, but here he was, sitting in his living room watching some shitty TV show with Marcus. It was pretty bad, but Marcus seemed to be enjoying himself. He was still a rookie; Nicky figured he was still missing home.

As he was returning from the kitchen with a couple of water bottles, he heard Marcus on the tail end of a phone call with someone.

“Yeah, I’ll tell him. Okay, I have to go now. Bye.”

Nicky handed him a water bottle as he sat back down. “Who was that?” 

“That was Ovi.”

Nicky was suddenly at full attention, but he tried not to let that show on his face. “Oh? What did he want?”

“He was asking about you, actually.”

His heart jumped into his throat. “What about me?”

“He said he was calling everyone, trying to see who was with you. He called Greenie, he called both halves of Carlzner, and then he called me.” Nicky gulped. That seemed like a lot of effort just to find him. “He said he wants to talk some things out.” Marcus frowned. “Apparently, you haven’t been answering his calls?”

Yes, he’d been avoiding his calls. Making up excuses and letting him down gently hadn’t seemed to be working so well, so he just stopped answering. Nicky steeled his gaze and said nothing.

“Why aren’t you answering him?” Marcus asked.

Scowling, Nicky crossed his arms. “I’m still mad at him.”

Marcus scoffed. “Okay. Sure. ‘Mad.’”

Alarms went off in Nicky’s head. He narrowed his eyes at Marcus. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Marcus paused, a smirk spreading onto his face. “What are you even doing hanging out with me right now?” he asked mischievously. “Go and hang out with your boyfriend, he clearly misses you.”

Flustered, Nicky began sputtering. “What? Excuse me? He is  _ not _ my boyfriend, why would you even  _ think _ something like that? That is  _ completely  _ outrageous, and downright  _ laughable _ ! Jojo, I am  _ appalled _ you would suggest such a thing, I would  _ never _ .”

Marcus gave him a sly look over a sip of water. “Backy doth protest too much.”

Inexplicably, Nicky’s face went hot. He narrowed his eyes at Marcus. “You shut your mouth. Or I will stop buying you booze.”

Marcus, who was still about half a year away from his twenty-first birthday, groaned. “Come on, that’s not fair.”

“Then shut your mouth.” He sat back and settled back into the couch. “I’m mad at him, and that is all.”

Marcus looked like he was about to put up a protest, but with the threat of no more alcohol, he wisely shut his mouth, turning his attention back to the television. But that only lasted for a few moments.

“Just stop avoiding him, please,” Marcus said. “I don’t care if you’re mad or whatever, just like talk to him in the locker room. It’s better for you and the whole team, for morale.”

Nicky grunted. Marcus was right, of course. “Fine. But you are  _ this _ close to me never buying you beer again.”

This time, Marcus shut up for real.

Nicky’s focus turned inward.  _ Boyfriend _ . Ridiculous. He all but scoffed. The three year age difference between the two of them wasn’t always evident, but Marcus’s youth became very apparent in this situation. What a silly thing to suggest. Completely silly. Absolutely out of the question. Alex’s face wreaked far too much angry havoc on him for that to ever be a possibility. Nicky decided to shove the entire thing from his memory; no need to linger on it.

But for some reason, it wouldn’t quite leave. No matter how hard he tried to squish it into a little box, it was still there in the back of his mind. And even as he tried to fall asleep later that night, he couldn’t help but think about it.

* * *

It was always a pain to play the Rangers, but it was especially hard on nights like tonight, when they were so tightly matched and everyone was playing mean. Nicky could feel the snarl in the air tonight. Every faceoff was a match of increasingly nasty chirps, every check was a little bit harder, every puck battle was a little bit tougher. Nicky wasn’t one to get into heated exchanges or conflicts with anyone during a game, but even he couldn’t help but feel like an uncomfortable shadow was following him around all night. He found himself looking over his shoulder a lot more than usual.

Alex, on the other hand, seemed to have no problem getting into confrontations with opponents, and tonight he and Sean Avery were just at each other’s throats all game long. Alex seemed to be particularly bothered by him, and he wasn’t afraid to be bothersome back. Nicky didn’t much care, Alex could feel free to get up in Avery’s grill, as long as it didn’t distract him from trying to score goals, which were desperately needed at the moment. It was getting very late in the third period, and they were still tied.

But in games like this, with tempers as heated as they were, he should have known that something would explode.

He wouldn’t have known that a commotion had burst out behind him, except the fans started to get all riled up. Wondering what in the world could possibly be happening, Nicky spun around, and his blood turned cold.

Alex had Avery grasped by the collar of his jersey, and they were in the middle of a nasty exchange of words. Nicky prayed that it wouldn’t escalate further, that they’d swear at each other a little and then let each other go. They couldn’t afford any funny business right now.

But that didn’t happen, and instead, Nicky’s worst nightmare came true. Instead of letting him go, Alex punched Avery square in the face, and all hell broke loose. The crowd began to roar, all of the officials frantically blew on their whistles, and everyone else on the ice skated in on the fracas as quickly as possible as Alex and Avery were violently exchanging haymakers. Multiple Rangers tried to hold Avery back, while John and Karl did their best to pull Alex away. Sasha managed to rip Alex away with a final yank before Nicky could make his way over there. A thin line of blood trailed down Alex’s face, the red dripping and vanishing into his jersey.

The officials delivered the verdict, but Nicky felt like he was listening to it from the other end of a tunnel. Both guys got called for fighting, and both were kicked out of the game. Okay, that was fine, they could work around that. Doing it without Alex would be difficult, but it was doable. But then they assessed an extra minor to Alex, and Nicky felt his heart drop out of his stomach.

Alex skated right past Nicky on his way to the tunnel, and they locked eyes. Alex looked like he was trying to communicate something to him, but for once, Nicky wasn’t reciprocating. All he felt right now was the bubbling of anger in his gut. He broke eye contact and turned away from him, something he knew would hurt him as much as a slap in the face.

Nicky shifted his focus. There were ninety seconds left, and they were down a man. Sasha was already in the box to serve Alex’s minor, and Nicky got ready to penalty kill. It would be difficult, but they needed to get through it. They had to.

For a moment, it looked like they might be able to hang on until overtime. But things weren’t going to go their way that night. The Rangers hadn’t left the zone the entire power play, and Nicky, though on his last legs, had his stick down and getting in the passing lanes. But with just twenty seconds left in the game, the puck whizzed to his right, deflected off the Ranger in front, and hit the back of the net. The Rangers took the lead, and very quickly, the game was over. They lost.

Nicky was definitely angry, for real this time. No doubt in his mind. Nicky had felt anger before, but this was nothing short of white-hot rage. And this, unlike some of his spurts of anger, felt entirely justified. Alex had been completely fucking stupid, and it had cost them the game. And Nicky didn’t care about what the rest of the team thought, but he was going to rip him a new one. Alex needed to hear it.

After the horn sounded, he had to hang back and talk to the coaches for a moment while everyone else filed into the locker room. But the second he was done, he stormed into the locker room, absolutely fuming. He could feel everyone in the room looking at him as he loudly burst through the doors, but his gaze was focused on just one man. Alex was sitting at his stall, uniform still on, staring at Nicky from across the room. Nicky felt the anger in him start to burn up again, and he knew it probably showed in his eyes. Hardening his gaze, he marched across the room, striding right up to Alex.

“Alex, what the fuck happened out there?” Nicky yelled. “You can’t just take yourself out of the game like that! We need you!”

Alex steeled his face. “I had to.”

“Don’t try to tell me that. You did not  _ have _ to. We  _ lost _ the game on that penalty kill. How could you be so stupid?”

Alex stood up, defiant. “He was gonna come after you, Nicky!” He stepped closer. Very close. Nicky wanted to take a step back, but he stood his ground. “He whisper to me, in the faceoff. Gonna go after you, hit you into the boards, break your collarbone.” His fiery gaze cut into Nicky. “ _ Not _ gonna let that happen.”

A chill went down Nicky’s spine. He knew he’d felt someone breathing down his neck all night. His collarbone was feeling real sensitive all of a sudden. The thought being thrown to the ice or into the boards and having something broken to the point where his life might possibly be in danger was terrifying, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little scared at the thought. He suddenly felt very grateful that his body was all in one piece. But he wasn’t going to give Alex the satisfaction of giving in.

“That’s not your job, Alex.” He wasn’t yelling anymore. And it was true, they had plenty of teammates that would better fit under the title of “goon.”

Alex looked at him, his gaze resting on him for what felt a little longer than necessary. “I’m the captain. Of course it’s my job to protect you.”

Even though he’d skated for a very hard twenty-five minutes of ice time, he now felt hotter than he had all night. He crossed his arms over his chest. “I can take care of myself,” he huffed.

All eyes were on them. The whole room stood still, holding its breath, waiting in anticipation for what they would do next.

And even though he’d just been screaming at him, irate and tossing around blame in ways not befitting an alternate captain, somehow Nicky knew that Alex wasn’t mad at him.

He saw that infuriating and charming little smirk just barely tug at the corner of Alex’s lip. “I know.”

For the first time in awhile, Nicky actually had a reason to be justifiably mad at him, and that bastard couldn’t even give him the satisfaction of letting him stay mad. He just  _ had  _ to be all noble and look at him like that. His anger started to wane, which just frustrated him all the more. Goddammit. “You’re still being stupid,” Nicky retorted, in a feeble attempt to keep up his facade of anger.

But Nicky saw the look in Alex’s eyes. Alex could tell that Nicky wasn’t truly angry. The anger he’d felt throughout the past months had all but washed away, seemingly in an instant. Though Alex was probably the only one who could see it — the rest of the locker room continued to look on in stunned silence, not daring to move. Nicky didn’t care. Let them all think he was mad as hell, maybe it would deter the rest of them from being stupid.

The smirk on Alex’s face just grew. “Sometimes emotion gets the best of us.”

It felt like a veiled remark directed at him somehow. He deflected it back. “Maybe for  _ some  _ people.”

It was remarkable how a look from Alex could make his feelings change on a whim. It probably helped that everything roiling inside him was on the same emotional wavelength. Everything was heated and passionate and volatile, in some form or another.

Yes, Alex taking a bad penalty was stupid, kind of selfish, and cost the team. But he did it while sticking up for Nicky, and possibly protecting him from serious bodily harm. And Nicky didn’t want to admit it to himself — just thinking this made him want to berate himself — but he loved the feeling of Alex looking out for him. That secure feeling of someone watching your back and ready to fend off any threats — he’d be lying if he said the thought of Alex doing that for him didn’t send a feeling of pleasure through him.

But he would never admit that to anyone ever. He didn’t even want to admit it to himself, and he kind of hated himself for it. He could feel the steam coming out of his ears at his own self-hatred. He knew he probably still looked absolutely pissed, and honestly he’d rather people think he was pissed than have anyone know his true feelings.

He wasn’t going to let Alex have the last word. He turned on his heel and briskly stormed off in a huff. If nothing else, he was leaving this conversation with his head held high.

* * *

Nicky woke up, his eyes crusty, his mouth dry, and his back hurting. It took him a second to realize they were still on the plane. It was the middle of the night, and when he looked around, he could see everyone asleep in their chairs.

Well,  _ almost  _ everyone. He was about to make an attempt to go back to sleep when he heard voices from the seats in front of him. John and Karl were sitting in those seats, having a conversation in a hushed tone. He was going to try to ignore them, until he realized they were talking about him.

“Have you noticed that Ovi and Backy have been fighting a lot lately?” Karl asked John.

The back of Nicky’s neck went hot. He suddenly felt it was very important to hear this conversation. He leaned forward towards the back of the chairs. He could see a little bit in the crack between the seats, though not much. But he could hear everything.

“It’s not really fighting, they’re just  _ frustrated  _ with each other,” John replied.

“I don’t know, Nick seems really bent up about something.”

“Isn’t he always?”

Karl chuckled. “Maybe, but it feels different this time.”

“I don’t know, maybe Ovi did something that really bothered him. It’s bound to happen now and again with the person you’re closest with.” John's voice lowered. “Don’t  _ you  _ get frustrated with  _ me  _ sometimes?”

“Well,  _ obviously _ . You drive too fast and you leave your clothes everywhere.” John scoffed, and Nicky was fairly certain Karl reached over to grab John’s hand. Or maybe his leg, he couldn’t tell. “But unlike us, they have not acknowledged the thing between them.”

Nicky wanted to pop his head up and raise an objection.  _ Uh, excuse me, what do you mean “the thing” between us? _ And the way they were so casually comparing Nicky and Alex’s relationship to their own put Nicky on alert. Nicky had seen them suck face at too many parties for them to be calling their relationships the same; they were  _ not  _ the same.

“Do they even need to, at this point?” John asked. “I mean, it’s been so long like this, does it really matter?”

“Yes, John. It matters.” Karl said curtly. “Would the two of us have advanced past the friends stage if you hadn’t sat in my lap and told me explicitly to my face?”

“Probably not, you’re a blind moron.” John laughed. “Okay, point taken.”

Karl sighed. “I just don’t want them to fight so bad they never even have a chance. Just stop fighting and tell each other how you feel.”

“Even if they don’t say it, they still love each other. That’s what matters most.”

Nicky’s heart jumped at the mention of the word  _ love _ . Slow your roll there, John. Of course he loved Alex, but like in the same way he loved Marcus, or any of the rest of his teammates. All of his teammates made his heart beat wildly like this.

“I know, I know. I just want them to be happy, you know?” Karl’s voice almost broke. “Everyone deserves to be loved, like fully.”

Nicky couldn’t help but feel a pang in his heart. Karl’s words really hit home. Of course Nicky wanted that. Did he deserve it? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But the implication Karl was making about that kind of thing happening between him and Alex was laughable. That was simply not happening.

He heard a muffled noise as John put his arm around Karl. “Do you want me to say something to them? Address the elephant in the room?”

“John Carlson, don’t you dare say a fucking word to either one of them,” Karl warned.

“Come on, why not?”

“Things like this go at their own pace. Plus, I’m afraid Nicky might murder you if you said something to his face on this particular topic.”

“It’s sweet to see you so worried about me.”

The gap between the seats went dark as John leaned in for a kiss. Nicky was just thankful it turned out to be a quick one.

“They’re smart. They’ll figure it out and get their shit together.”

“But what if they don’t? After all, it took me making out with you for you to see I was into you, too.”

Nicky knew Karl well enough to know he was blushing right now. “Nick is not as stupid as me. You’d have to be real fucking dumb not to eventually see how much Ovi is fucking in love with him.”

Was Karl calling him dumb? Well, Karl didn’t know what he was talking about, because Alex was definitely  _ not _ in love with Nicky, he knew that much for sure.

“And how much Nicky is in love with  _ him _ , too,” John added. Nicky’s gut clenched.  _ You wanna run that by me again, Carly?  _ John was getting a little presumptuous, Nicky thought. “Do you remember the look on his face when Ovi was putting on a show with his godawful karaoke at that party earlier this year?”

Nicky’s stomach dropped. Yes, he remembered that moment very well. It was only the moment that haunted him just about every day. He had kind of forgotten that people had, you know, seen him in that moment. He’d known he’d looked like an idiot that night, but to know that these guys thought it was because he was  _ in love  _ with him or something? Nope, that was not it. He was just overwhelmed and confused and frustrated, and mad at himself for having these feelings at all. Not in love. And definitely not stupid in love like they were describing him to be.

“Yes, I remember. Beags and I put bets on how long it would take them to get freaky in the bathroom after that.” He paused. “I did not win.”

They really thought they were going to go fuck in the bathroom or something? Nicky wouldn’t do that even if he were head-over-heels in love, which he was not. Unlike John and Karl, he was not an animal.

John chuckled. “You know, I was pretty fucking drunk that night I crawled into your lap,” he said thoughtfully. “Maybe we just need to get them completely hammered.”

“If getting drunk was the key to unlocking this, it would have happened already. Let’s just leave it alone.”

“If you’re not gonna do anything about it, then stop worrying about it.”

“I worry about everything.”

“Yes, I know.” John’s voice suddenly got very low. “Try not to worry so much.”

The gap once again went dark, and Nicky started to hear low moaning, kissing sounds, and other seductive noises. Oh lord. Given exactly what he was hearing, John was probably kissing Karl’s neck, but Nicky did  _ not  _ want to risk hearing anything if they started to escalate further. He stopped listening instantly, sitting back in his seat and jamming headphones into his ears as fast as he possibly could.

As much as he tried to shut it out, he couldn’t stop thinking about what Karl and John had said. It sounded a lot like what Marcus had said that day at his house. Hearing it come from multiple people started to make Marcus’s ideas sound a bit less ridiculous. Did everyone think this? Was this what everyone saw from him and Alex?

Marcus had said  _ boyfriend _ . John and Karl had said  _ in love _ . Despite what people might have thought, both of those were untrue. Alex was not in love with him. There was no way that was possible. And Nicky wasn’t in love with him either. That was an even more ludicrous claim than calling Alex his boyfriend.

But truth be told, he wasn’t sure how he felt. When that anger had started to wane, he had kind of expected for his feelings to return back to normal. But they hadn’t. The anger had gone away, but the frustration was still there. Looking at him and thinking about him set his body on fire, but it was starting to look like it wasn’t because of anger at all. He still felt  _ something  _ when he looked at his stupid face, but he wasn’t sure what it was, and he was kind of scared of what it might be. There were a lot of conflicting feelings going on within him, he was just so confused. He didn’t know what he felt about him.

But what he did know was that he just drove him absolutely crazy.

* * *

Before they knew it, the playoffs arrived, and that, of course, meant an unbelievable amount of stress and hard work. Because above all else, the one thing everyone wanted to do was win.

Nicky, of course, still had a lot of feelings roiling through him, and he knew he needed to address them, he knew it was the “right” thing to do, but for one, he didn’t want to, and two, he needed to focus. The playoffs were too important.

He was still a little frustrated, and pretty confused, and very warm all of the time, but Nicky pushed everything that he was feeling to the side, swallowed his pride, and decided to think about absolutely nothing. He just went on instinct and what felt natural, and that was sticking by Alex’s side. He forgot about everything and just put his full trust in Alex, for the sake of the playoffs.

It was like everything was back to normal. The two of them were back on the same page, things were easy again, and everything seemed to be working. Alex seemed to be happy to have him back, but Nicky blatantly did not think about how that fact made  _ him _ feel. He just went with his natural instincts, and he didn’t leave Alex’s side. They basically did everything together, on and off the ice. Hanging out together, having dinner together, carpooling together, and sitting on the plane and bus together. It felt like Alex was almost always within arm’s reach. And Nicky, by not thinking in the slightest, felt like he had made something click.

And it worked. They beat the Rangers in the first round. And in five games, too — at times, it kind of felt like they had it the whole way. They were jubilant, and it felt so good to celebrate that win with each other, especially after the way they’d lost to the Habs last year. And considering the incident that had happened earlier this year, this one felt especially good to Nicky, as well.

The next step: the Lightning. They’d be a challenge, but coming off the high of that series win, the guys were feeling very confident. Nicky felt ready.

The night before game one, Alex invited Nicky to his house. Not for anything special or for anything crazy, just to hang out. And Nicky, finding himself inexplicably drawn to him, wanted to be right by his side, so, of course, he went to him.

No beers tonight, had to be careful the night before a game, but even so, they found themselves rejecting the comfort of sofas or chairs for lying on Alex’s living room floor. They had done this a couple times back when Nicky was a rookie. Sometimes the floor was just better than a piece of furniture. And better for getting into real, honest conversation.

It was sometime around midnight, and it was almost completely dark in the room. They were next to each other on the living room carpet, their bodies lying in opposite directions, their faces in very close proximity. Nicky had his hand curled up in Alex’s hoodie near his face. Alex had his arm thrown across Nicky’s chest, his fingers fiddling with the shirt on the far side. Nicky was purposely trying not to use his brain to think about this too hard, but he was feeling very, very warm.

“Hey, Nicke?” Alex asked him.

“What is it?

“You feel ready to play Tampa?”

“Of course I do,” Nicky answered. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

Alex smiled at him. “Same. I always feel like I play good against Tampa.”

Nicky smiled back. “Me too.”

“Who do you like to play the most?” Alex asked.

“Like to play?” Nicky thought for a moment. “Philly.”

“Philly, huh?”

“I like to make the crowd boo.” Nicky looked over at him, a grin spread across his face. “You?”

After a moment, Alex looked back at him, a glint in his eye. “Pittsburgh.”

“Oh?” Nicky questioned. “‘Cause Crosby?”

“Only a little. I know they fucking beat us a few years ago, but I just feel like we gonna do something great against them. Someday.”

“Someday, huh. Well, I fucking hate them, so that would be nice.”

That made Alex laugh. Nicky always loved it when he was able to make Alex laugh.

_ Someday _ . Alex talked like he was able to see far into the future.

Nicky readjusted himself, scooching himself closer into Alex’s side. “How long do you think you’re gonna play?” he asked.

“Forever,” Alex replied.

Nicky laughed. “No, but seriously.”

Alex pondered for a moment. “‘Til I’m forty.”

Nicky raised an eyebrow. “Forty, huh?”

Alex turned his head and looked him in the eye. “I’m gonna do this as long as I can. ‘Til my body breaks down.”

There was something so admirable about that, and something so genuine in the way Alex said it. He wanted to do it. He was  _ determined  _ to do it. And Nicky knew that he would be great for the entire ride.

“I think you can beat Gretzky’s goal record,” he said suddenly, his voice a tad quieter. “I really think you can.”

Despite how much Nicky knew he wanted it, Alex would never say something like that; not out loud, at least. But Nicky believed it wholeheartedly, and he wasn’t afraid to say it. Alex had the talent, and he had the determination. As Nicky said those words to him, Alex got a look in his eye, like he was deeply touched. That look made Nicky’s chest flutter.

Then Alex grinned. “And you’re gonna be by my side the whole time.”

This time, it was Nicky who felt touched. Nicky was never one to sing his own praises, but Alex was never afraid to do it for him. It went both ways. Nicky’s grip on the hoodie tightened as the fluttering in his chest seemed to get faster.

“Do you think we’ll ever actually do it?” Nicky asked very quietly. “You know, actually win the whole thing?” Probably not the best idea to doubt their ability to win while they were in the middle of a playoff run, but Nicky couldn’t help it, he was feeling vulnerable, and the words were just coming out.

Alex was quick with his reply. “Yes.” He wasn’t overconfident and cocky with his answer, but there was a quiet confidence, like he was sure about it in his bones. “Gonna happen. Even if we have to wait ten years, we gonna win it.” Probably also not the best thing to say in the middle of a current playoff run, but he let it slide.

Nicky smiled. “I like the sound of that. Though I  _ hope  _ it’s not ten years, you might have a full head of gray hair by then.”

“Hey, I’m not  _ that  _ old.”

Nicky grinned. “Yeah, but I can already start to see a couple of silver hairs popping up on your head.”

Alex instinctively reached a hand up to his hair, and Nicky couldn’t help but laugh. Alex shot him a glare. “You better be joking, Nick. Can’t have the gray hair messing up my image yet, you know.”

He did actually have a couple of strands of gray, but Nicky loved them. “You don’t need to worry, still as handsome as always.”

Alex looked at him, the tug of a smile at his lip, and Nicky’s heartbeat sped up. Alex didn’t say anything further, but just that look from him was enough to drive Nicky absolutely crazy.

Alex looked back towards the ceiling and sighed deeply and heavily. “I want it, Nick.”

Nicky got the feeling he wasn’t talking about his hair. “The Cup?”

“Yes. The Cup. I want it. I want it so bad. More than  _ anything _ .” Then he looked back over at Nicky, those blue eyes looking right into his soul. “And I want you to be there and win it with me. You gonna pass me the Cup-winning goal.”

It might’ve been a joke, but Alex said it like it was an undeniable truth. It shot shivers down Nicky’s spine. It was like he was describing something out of Nicky’s most fantastical and beautiful dreams. If that could happen in real life, it would be perfect. The kind of moment that Nicky would want to capture and remember forever.

“I want that, too,” Nicky breathed.

He saw Alex’s eyes sparkle, and he couldn’t help but feel warm and fuzzy inside.

“And who’s gonna be our other liney when that happens?” Alex asked him.

Nicky barked out a laugh. “Who knows, by that point. Maybe we’ll have driven everyone so crazy by then they’ll just send the two of us out there alone.”

Alex giggled. “Not impossible.”

Nicky looked back towards the ceiling. “Maybe they’ll separate us, to ‘spread the scoring,’ or whatever,” he pondered.

“They stupid if they do that. Especially in the Cup Final.”

“I don’t know, they could put you with Jojo or something,” Nicky teased.

“I mean, Jojo’s great, but he’s not you.”

Nicky’s heart did a backflip.  _ He’s not you _ . Nicky rarely had moments where he felt special, but this was starting to feel like one of them. He let his mind start to wander. He could picture it now: he and Alex, on the ice in the Cup Final. There was no one else Nicky would rather skate with. And, Nicky selfishly hoped, no one Alex would rather skate with. What they had was special.

Nicky continued to joke. “Maybe they’ll put you with Beags. Make you a grinder.”

“That would be a sight to see.” Alex paused. His thumb started to caress Nicky’s side, and Nicky closed his eyes and let himself sink into that feeling. If he fell asleep right on this floor, he would be perfectly okay with that.

Then Alex piped back up again. “You know who was fun to play with? Perry. You remember one of the last few games, we had a couple weird line changes, he got to center me a little. I was surprised, we skated good together. I could skate a little more with him, that would be fun.” 

Nicky’s gut dropped. Hearing those words was like a series of punches in the face. After all that talk about  _ he’s not you _ and  _ you gonna pass me the Cup-winning goal _ , there was another center out there he was gushing about? Clearly, what they had wasn’t as special as he thought.

“Sometimes he yelled in French, that was fun, too.”

And Alex was going on like nothing was wrong. Nicky’s faced hardened. He tensed up, and he took his hand off of Alex’s hoodie.

Alex noticed the sudden shift in mood. He turned his head and looked at Nicky. “What’s up? Did I say something wrong?”

No way in hell Nicky was going to voice any of his feelings about this. He felt the sudden urge to be alone.

“No no, it’s fine, I just...I have to go.”

Slowly, awkwardly, Nicky removed Alex’s arm from his chest and got to his feet. He said his awkward goodbyes and then left Alex’s house, his legs wobbly and feeling like he’d just been smacked upside the head.

After getting on that sour note, they never got back on track. The rest of the playoffs, things were slightly awkward, and they were just out of sync with each other. Passes didn’t land right. They were never in exactly the right spot. And at the end of it, they ended up getting swept by the Lightning.

No one was mad with each other. They were all just kind of sad and gloomy, which seemed to make everything worse. Nicky and Alex ran into each other one last time before everyone went their separate ways for the summer, and that was at locker cleanout day. After doing their interviews, they found themselves alone together, preparing to give their farewells. Which, of course, were incredibly awkward.

“Hey,” Alex said, not exactly sure where to look at Nicky. “I’ll see you in a couple months, I guess. Have a good summer.”

“Yeah,” Nicky said, not wanting to look at him at all. “You too.”

Feeling hatred towards him was one thing. He could fight with him. But feeling awkward and out of sync with him just fucking sucked, and Nicky wanted to be out of here.

Nicky made the turn to leave, but then Alex called out at him, “Hey, Nicke.”

Nicky turned back. Alex was fiddling with his hands, looking like he was trying to piece together what he wanted to say.

“Look, I didn’t mean to upset you with the Perry thing.”

Nicky was surprised that Alex had actually realized that was what had bothered him. But he didn’t want to address that. Not now. He had to act like it had been no big deal. So he shrugged it off.

“No no, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

And then he went back to Sweden. And at first it was nice, not seeing Alex for a little bit. But after awhile, it started to feel like there was a huge, Alex-shaped hole in his heart, which ached every single day.

* * *

He finally realized it on a hot summer day in July.

He was out at breakfast with his brother, sitting outside at a little cafe. They were in the middle of light conversation when he spotted someone else at a nearby table, right in Nicky’s line of vision behind Kristoffer. There was nothing special about this guy; he seemed perfectly ordinary, until he pulled out a can of Coca-Cola and started to chug. Coke at eight o’clock in the morning. It reminded him so much of Alex it was almost painful.

He didn’t realize he’d been staring off into space until Kristoffer’s voice jolted him right back to reality. “What are you smiling about?”

Nicky’s heart jumped. “Nothing,” he said, quickly rerouting their topic of conversation.

He should’ve realized it right then, but the moment of truth didn’t happen until later that day. He was taking a walk, like he often did during the summer. Down the path, he saw a couple of teens riding around on segways, going fast and overconfident like teens were prone to do. Then one of them drove directly into the back of a bench and fell over, to the delight of his friends. It looked exactly like what had happened to Mike when they had taken that segway tour a couple years back. Alex would remember, and he’d find it hilarious.

Nicky turned his head to the side to reminisce with Alex, only to remember that he wasn’t there. He was not by his side, but he was, in fact, in Russia, and not anywhere close to Nicky. Nicky sorely wished he were here; he wanted to laugh with him, and he wanted to exchange that look that only the two of them understood.

Then it all clicked. The realization made Nicky stop in his tracks. It was like he’d been suckerpunched in the gut. All of a sudden, he realized he had been spending his entire summer thinking about Alex, moping around and just wishing he were here. He missed him so much. He missed the bickering, he missed all the ridiculous clothes, he missed his smile, he missed his laugh, he missed the way that he could completely fill up a room. He missed the way that they could talk without saying a word, he missed the way that he just got him in little ways like no one else did. He missed the way he smelled, and he missed his touch, the firm yet surprisingly gentle way he would hold his arm or touch him or hold him close. He thought back to all those months ago, that night on the bus, his hand tangled in his hair caressing that spot at the nape of his neck. He longed for that touch. Ached for it. Craved it.

Nicky didn’t want to admit it to himself. Admitting it to himself was the absolute last thing he wanted to, and it fucking terrified him. He had been actively trying not to think about it for months, but that just wasn’t going to work anymore. So he took a long hard look at himself, swallowed every last bit of denial, and finally accepted it.

He had feelings for Alex. Not friendship ones, not just sexual ones, but romantic ones. Ugh, it felt dirty to say that to himself. But it was true. He was  _ not _ “in love,” those words felt far too strong, but what he felt was not platonic. Not at all.

Alex made his heart flutter and his cheeks burn, and not because he was angry at him. He was really just angry at himself for having the audacity to have feelings at all. He should be madder at himself for this revelation of new feelings, but in truth, they weren’t new. He had always felt this way, he just hadn’t known it. There was no one moment that he could recall that had made him fall so hard, but it had always been like this, even if it had grown significantly stronger over time. He thought back to his rookie year, and he remembered a moment when they were on the road and Nicky had gotten an awful migraine, and the entire time he was in his hotel room in the dark, Alex had sat outside his door and told everyone to go away and not bother him. It was all the little things. Add them all up over the course of four years, and that turned into how Nicky felt about him.

For the rest of the summer, he was seeing Alex everywhere. Everything reminded him of Alex, especially if it was a scary giant dog or a kid with a missing front tooth. He thought about him, all the time. Nights were especially vulnerable. He thought about him while he was lying in bed, and he dreamed about him every night. He wanted to see him, so bad. He thought about calling him and getting in contact over the summer, and he almost did it a few times, but he never followed through. They had ended on an awkward note, and it would be weird. He kind of just wanted to wait and deal with that when he saw him in person. Besides, he was too much of a coward.

So he waited. He counted off the days until he could be with him again. Even if it was just as friends, because it  _ would _ be — there was absolutely no way he was going to actually  _ do  _ anything about his feelings. And there was going to be no mention of his feelings to anyone. Frankly, he was pretty sure he’d rather die than have anyone else know.

* * *

The thought of actually seeing Alex after a whole summer apart wracked Nicky with nerves. They hadn’t ended on the most comfortable of terms, what with Nicky’s confused and hurt feelings compounded by that dejecting playoff loss. Nicky wished he had cleared things up before they’d fucked off to different countries, but he couldn’t change that now. All he could do was wait until he was able to face him again.

Nicky didn’t call him when he got back to Washington; he was nervous. He waited until their first day back at training camp together, when the first time they saw each other would be out on the ice. Nicky arrived and got out on the ice early, the nervous energy prompting him to just get himself moving. He was terrified of things being horribly awkward between them when they talked again. Or he could be mad at him, or even worse, he could completely ignore him (he realized he had done those last two things to Alex himself, but hey, he had an excuse, romantic attraction had just driven him crazy, apparently). He had no idea how Alex would react when he saw him.

The ice began to fill up with teammates, and before long, Alex stepped out onto the ice. He spotted Nicky almost immediately. Nicky’s heart began to pound, anxious about what Alex might have to say to him. But for once, he plucked up his courage, and he met Alex halfway in the middle of the ice.

Nicky swallowed, bracing himself. “Hey.”

Turned out there was no need to worry. Alex burst into a big, toothy grin. “Hey, Backy. Good summer?”

All the anxiety melted off Nicky in an instant. “Yeah, the usual.” Infected by Alex’s smile, he broke out into one of his own. “How about you? You tame any more animals this summer?”

Alex laughed, which was music to Nicky’s ears. “Not this year, but I’m always looking.”

Alex grabbed hold of him by the arm, pulling him close. Nicky could feel his warm breath on his face. He looked into his eyes. Any remaining hint of any awkwardness between them was completely gone.

“You ready for new season, Nick?” he asked.

He was more ready than he’d ever been in his life. “Absolutely,” he responded. “Maybe I’ll beat you in power play points this year.”

Alex’s smile somehow became brighter. “I’ll take that bet.”

Nicky wanted to smile like an idiot at him forever, but at that moment Alex got called over by the training staff, so he released his hold on Nicky, leaving Nicky feeling warm and slightly giggly.

He looked up, and he saw Mike and Sasha looking over in his direction. And then, they gave each other a look. Nicky had a mild moment of panic. Had they seen that? Lord, he hoped not. He had to fly under the radar. Though “under the radar” was not a phrase that could really be associated with Alex in any capacity.

Nicky took a deep breath. It was Alex. Stuff like that was normal with him. This was completely normal, and no one was going to find him out.

* * *

“Do you have any more beer?”

“That’s a stupid question, Nick. I always have more beer.”

Even though he was definitely already buzzed, Nicky sauntered over to Mike’s fridge and pulled out a couple more beers, bringing one for Mike and one for himself back to the living room. Downing all these drinks probably wasn’t the brightest idea, but they so rarely got to hang out and drink just the two of them, so Nicky wasn’t going let anything like “logic” stop him.

He slumped down next to Mike on the couch, his eyelids already starting to go heavy. Maybe all that alcohol was getting to him. Nicky could tell Mike was feeling it, too. He was getting that wistful look in his face.

“How do you think we’re gonna do this year, Nick?” Mike asked.

“We’re gonna be fucking amazing,” Nicky responded. They had gone on a pretty ridiculous winning streak to start the season, and Nicky was pretty sure it was going to last. “We’re gonna win a lot of games, score a lot of goals. Alex is for sure gonna score a lot of goals.” Nicky sighed, deeply, warmth spreading through his body. He closed his eyes. “I think he’s gonna score fifty again, easy. He’s just so good, man. I’ve never seen anything like him, ever.”

“Yup, he sure is something special.” Mike paused. “To you.”

Nicky’s eyes suddenly shot wide open. There was something about the way Mike said those words that made every single alarm in his head go off. Nicky’s stomach dropped. Mike couldn’t know, could he? He had to just be joking around, like everyone else. He whipped his head over to look at Mike, and the devious, knowing little grin said it all.

He knew. And not in the speculative sort of way that Marcus, Carlzner, and probably the rest of the team  _ thought _ that they knew. Somehow, he knew. For sure. Nicky hadn’t even known it himself until fairly recently, but something in his eyes told Nicky that Mike had known for a long time.

They stared at each other for a moment, their knowing gazes locked together, neither one willing to be the first to back down. Nicky was stubborn as a mule, and his pride was already wounded, so he did not want to lose this nonverbal battle. But Mike, as calm as could be, looked like he was willing to wait forever. That smug look in his eyes was absolutely infuriating. Frustrated, Nicky broke down.

“If you speak a word of this to anyone,” he said in a grave, hushed tone, “I  _ will _ kill you.”

Mike started nodding. “Oh yeah, sure, of course, you’ll kill me, sure you will. Yeah, I definitely believe that.”

Nicky narrowed his eyes. “Don’t test me, Mike.”

Mike threw up his hands in mock surrender. “Alright, fine, I won’t tell anyone. But I  _ will _ be chirping you about this.”

“Uh, no you won’t, because we are never speaking about this again.” Nicky would rather die than talk about this with Mike ever again.

Mike just shrugged. “Okay, fine. That’s cool. You know, I could just go directly to Alex himself and tell him what I know. I’m sure he’d be very interested.”

Nicky blanched. “Don’t you  _ dare  _ do that.”

Mike grinned. He had the upper hand. “I won’t tell him, Nick. But you’re gonna have to tolerate chirping.”

Nicky simmered. “Fine. But like, disguise your words. Or something.” He would  _ not _ have the rest of the team finding out because of Mike chirping him in the locker room in front of everyone.

“I’m not an idiot, Nick.”

Nicky huffed and crossed his arms, sinking back into the couch. His whole body was red with embarrassment. He wanted to melt through the floor or disappear into a cloud of dust. It was bad enough having to confront his feelings himself, but to have someone else confronting him about them as well? It was his worst nightmare come to life.

After a moment of pouting to himself, Nicky glanced at Mike out of the side of his eye. “How long have you known?” he asked in a small voice. “I mean, I’ve only known myself for a few months now. Did you know before I did or something?”

Mike stifled a laugh. “Nick, I’ve known for years.”

His cheeks flared hot.  _ Years?  _ Great. Way to somehow make him feel even worse. “Don’t  _ laugh _ at me.”

“Hey, it’s been a fun waiting game, seeing when you were finally going to have the light bulb moment. Though I’m surprised it took this long.”

Nicky grabbed the pillow next to him and shoved it into his face. “This is the worst day of my life. I hate you.”

“You don’t hate me yet. Not until I lock you and Alex into a closet together.”

Nicky took the pillow and smacked Mike in the face with it. “Ha-ha. Like I’m ever going to let that happen.”

“You won’t see it coming. It’ll happen when you least expect it.”

Nicky snorted. “You’re not that good at planning  _ anything _ .” He tossed the pillow back at Mike and stood up. “I’m going to get another beer and then try to forget this whole conversation ever happened.”

* * *

All Nicky wanted to do was crawl into bed and pass out. It had been a long flight, and it had been a particularly crummy game. He needed some sleep, and he needed it  _ now _ . He didn’t need any other disturbances tonight.

So when he saw a large crowd, including all the communications guys, the schedulers, and the head coach, talking particularly loudly at the front desk, he knew whatever was happening couldn’t be good.

He joined the rest of the team, who had surrounded the front desk. One member of the PR team was currently red in the face in a tense conversation with the front desk attendant. Someone else was scrolling through an iPad, and another desperately flipping through some papers. It screamed all levels of “something is wrong.”

“What’s going on?” Alex asked, speaking what was on everyone’s minds.

Coach looked out at the team, a grimace on his face. “There’s been a little bit of a mixup.” He hesitated. “They lost the reservation for Nick and Greenie’s room.”

“Lost?” Nicky asked. “What do you mean, lost?”

“I mean lost. There’s no room for you guys.”

Nicky started to get worried. They’d be able to sleep somewhere, right? “Well, can’t they just get us another room?”

He shook his head. “They’re all booked.” He looked out and addressed the team. “We’re gonna need a couple people to take in Nick and Greenie for the night.”

Nicky had a minor moment of panic. Who’d let them stay in their room? It would get a little crowded. Would anyone want to take them?

_ Stop being stupid, Nicklas _ , he thought to himself. Someone would take them in. The team had each other’s backs. Despite the sweat starting to prickle at the back of his neck, Nicky told himself everything was going to be fine. He just wondered who would want him.

“I can take Greenie,” Brooks offered. “I can always make room for you, my brother.”

“Thanks Brooksie.” Mike took a quick glance at Nicky, and Nicky did not like that mischievous look in his eye. “Hey Nicky, why don’t you join Ovi for the night?” he suggested, his voice suspiciously louder than it needed to be.

Nicky’s eyes widened and his heart rate began to speed up. Before he could protest, Alex’s booming voice chimed in: “That’s an  _ excellent  _ idea!” He looked right into Nicky’s eyes. “Come on, Nicky, it’ll be fun!”

Nicky took a look at that bright gap-toothed grin. He knew there’d be no getting out of this now. Even if he protested vehemently and tried to wriggle his way into Marcus’s room or something, Alex wouldn’t let him go. The idea was already planted in his mind and he seemed to have latched onto it. Dammit, Greenie.

He tried to calm himself. This was going to be fine. Yes, it might be a bit awkward, and maybe a little tight with him and Alex and Sasha all in there. It was just sleeping through the night. Nothing was going to happen. He was not going to allow anything to happen. But despite telling himself this, his stomach was still all twisted in knots.

He followed Alex and Sasha up to their room, and once inside, Sasha immediately made his feelings very clear. He dumped all of his stuff onto one of the beds and growled, “I’m not sharing.” Without even bothering to brush his teeth, he pounced into the bed, curled himself into a tangle of sheets, and was out like a light. Nicky was afraid that Sasha would literally claw his face if he even attempted to get in the bed, so sharing with Sasha was clearly a no-go.

Nicky turned around to face Alex, who was standing very close. The darkness of the room and the intense way that Alex was looking at him made it suddenly difficult for Nicky to breathe.

“Well Nicky,” Alex said, his voice low, “plenty of room in this bed for both of us.”

Nicky’s heart pounded so loud he feared Alex might hear it. Why was the thought of sharing a goddamn bed getting him so riled up? Well, he knew why, but it  _ shouldn’t _ . It was just a bed, people shared beds all the time. He began to get angry at his own self, and he knew he was about to make a rash decision just to spite himself.

“Actually, I think I’m going to sleep on the floor,” he said.

Alex wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion. “What? Why?”

“I need my space. You’re a big guy, Alex.” He couldn’t help but give Alex a quick glance-over as he said this. “It would be silly to try and squish the both of us in there.”

“You gonna fuck up your back, Nicky,” Alex pointed out.

Nicky brushed him off. “I’ll be fine.”

Turned out, he was not so fine. They had both settled in, Alex in the bed and Nicky in his spot on the floor with a pillow and blanket he’d snatched from the bed. It started out okay, but as time went on, he could not get comfortable. The floor, as it turned out, was not so cozy. He kept shifting around, trying to get in a good spot, tossing and turning with more and more frustration.

And to make matters worse, he was cold. It was late October, it was fucking freezing, and the hotel blanket was as thin as a sheet of paper. After awhile, he found himself involuntarily shivering. He was uncomfortable and frustrated, and he could not get to sleep. His hubris had come back to bite him.

He heard rustling. Then Alex’s head leaned over the side of the bed toward him. “Nicky,” he whispered. “This clearly not working. Get in the bed.”

“I’m fine,” Nicky lied.

“Nicky, you shivering,” Alex stated. “Get in the bed.”

Nicky wanted to put up a protest and fight about it, but  _ fuck _ he did not actually want to sleep on the floor. Grumbling, he swallowed his pride, got up off the floor, and slid into the bed next to Alex. He tried not to look at the delighted look on Alex’s face, so he turned his back to him in a huff. He didn’t want anyone to look at him. This whole situation had him angry, he was angry at himself, and he felt his cheeks burn hot with a tinge of embarrassment. And yet, his heart still raced at an alarming speed. Stupid fucking feelings.

He scooted as far to the edge as he reasonably could. “Stay on your side of the bed,” he grumbled, perhaps a little aggressively.

“You sure, Nicky?” Alex asked. “You seem cold, let me help warm you up.”

Before he knew what was happening, Nicky felt Alex sidle up against his back and make a motion to reach his arm over him. Nicky, somehow, scooted even closer to the edge of the bed and used his elbow to wedge Alex away. “ _ No _ ,” he warned. He would definitely somehow expose himself if he let that happen, and he could  _ not _ have Alex finding out, especially when they were stuck sharing a bed for the night. “Let’s just go to sleep.”

He felt Alex retreat. “Okay, Nicky.” He sounded a little deflated, which just made Nicky feel rotten. But he was  _ not _ going to let Alex spoon him. He was already embarrassed enough. And he did not need his feelings getting even more inflamed with Alex’s touch.

So, lying at opposite ends of the bed, they went to sleep.

-

Nicky woke up groggily the next morning, the strips of sunlight from the window shining through the blinds and onto his face. He blinked rapidly, trying to get the sleep out of his eyes and adjust to the light. He yawned real big and stretched his arms, but then he realized his arms had been wrapped around something.

Suddenly completely awake, his eyes shot wide open, and he got a good look at his current state. Evidently sometime during the night, he’d moved from the edge of the bed and cuddled up right against Alex. He had one arm wrapped around Alex’s midsection, and the other arm wedged underneath him. He’d become the big spoon.

He was absolutely mortified. After all the fuss he’d made last night, he betrayed himself and did this unconsciously while he slept. His face was hot with embarrassment. He could not let Alex wake up and catch him like this.

He jumped up and scrambled out of bed as quickly as possible. He took a panicked look at Alex, who was still asleep, thank god. But he wouldn’t be for long; Nicky could already see him starting to stir.

Nicky started moving like he was on fast forward. He did all his business in the bathroom, and then he came out and started rifling through his clothes, intending to get dressed and go down to the lobby as fast as humanly possible. He pulled out the first pair of pants he grabbed ahold of — a pair of jeans — and wrestled them on. He was in the middle of changing his shirt when Alex’s voice rang through the room and made Nicky’s blood go cold.

“Nicky?”

Nicky, who’d had his back to him, turned toward him. Alex raised his eyebrows and gave him a quick once-over. Suddenly, Nicky became very aware of the fact that he was shirtless; he was half-naked, and Alex was very much looking at him. He felt hot and sweaty all over, and he didn’t like how vulnerable he felt.

“You okay, Nicky?” Alex asked. “Your face really red.”

His face went even redder. “It’s nothing,” he said, yanking a clean shirt over his head. “Fucking get dressed, you bum.”

Nicky didn’t stick around to catch Alex’s reaction; he got out of there as fast as a lightning bolt. He intended to lose himself in team breakfast and wipe last night from his brain. He just wanted to shovel scrambled eggs into his mouth and listen to John and Karl talk about something real dumb and pointless for awhile.

He didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until he walked into breakfast. He let out an exhale and told his piece of shit heart to calm down. But his body refused to relax. Not when he grabbed a plate and started piling it with eggs and bacon, and not when he plopped down into the chair next to Greenie.

Mike sensed that something was up right away. He glanced over at Nicky and raised an eyebrow. For a moment, Nicky thought it might have been a look of concern, until Mike’s face broke out into a cheeky little grin.

“How’d you sleep last night?”

Nicky frowned. “You’re the worst and I hate you,” he growled.

“Oh yeah, I’m sure it was just awful.” Mike grinned as he took a sip of his coffee.

“You shut the fuck up,” Nicky grumbled, shoving a forkful of eggs in his mouth. Mike side-eyed him with another smirk, but Nicky refused to acknowledge him. This conversation was  _ over _ .

Fifteen minutes later, Alex entered the room, dragging a murderous-looking Sasha behind him. He locked eyes with Nicky from across the room. Nicky froze, his fork suspended in midair. His heart threatened to beat out of his chest. Did Alex remember what happened? Nicky was almost positive he had been asleep for the whole thing, but now he wasn’t so sure. They held tense eye contact for a few moments, then Alex smiled at him and continued on his way to grab breakfast. Nicky let out a breath. Maybe he didn’t remember.

His relief only lasted until Alex sat down at their table. He took the seat across from Nicky, and Nicky felt his heart rate speed up again. Alex took a glance at him. Did he remember? Fuck, was he going to say something about it? Nicky prayed not. He did  _ not _ want to be confronted with it, especially not with Mike and his shit-eating grin next to him able to hear everything.

But Alex didn’t say anything. His gaze went from Nicky to Mike. “Greenie, I heard song that make me think of you. Real moody.”

The two of them launched into conversation, and that was that. Alex didn’t say a word about last night. Nicky felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. Maybe he didn’t remember anything after all.

Alex didn’t say anything about it for the rest of the day. In fact, three whole days went by, and Alex didn’t mention that night at all; he acted like nothing of note happened. By that point, Nicky was one hundred percent convinced that Alex did not remember a thing that happened, and he finally let his guard now and relaxed. He was safe.

But then on the fourth day, they were setting out again on another plane. Nicky found himself next to Alex again. They had been playing electronic chess with each other for hours, but by the time three-thirty rolled around, they were both starting to nod off, and Alex declared chess time was over and it was time for sleep. Nicky wasn’t going to complain, beating Alex at chess so many times was exhausting.

“I think I’m gonna sleep,” Alex said, stretching out and trying to find a way to get comfortable in his seat.

“Yeah, me too,” Nicky replied, yawning. He started to settle in. “I think I’ll stay right here, if that’s alright with you.”

“Of course it is,” Alex said. “You gonna spoon me again, Nick?”

Nicky’s eyes opened wide in horror. He whipped his head around to look at Alex, who had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. He knew. He’d known this whole time, and he had waited this long to say something about it, that fucker. Who knew how long he’d been awake while Nicky was latched onto him like a koala? Nicky felt his entire face go red as his mouth gaped open, unable to produce any words.

Alex giggled. “Relax, Nick.” He touched a hand to Nicky’s arm. “Don’t worry, I liked it.” Then he turned his back to him and nestled his head against the wall, falling asleep almost instantly.

Well how the fuck was Nicky supposed to process that? He  _ liked _ it? What in the world was that supposed to mean, Alex? Nicky felt like he’d been knocked upside the head with a frying pan. He decided that no, he did not want to process this. He was just going to go to sleep.

Except he knew he would definitely not be sleeping tonight with that knowledge furiously whizzing around in his brain.

* * *

Nicky didn’t show up to  _ all  _ of Alex’s parties; he could only handle so much Russian club music. But he went to this one. When he walked through the front door, he was confronted with the sight of Alex and Sasha grinding and singing along (badly) to whatever song was thumping over Alex’s speakers. A great start to the night.

Of course, he had a good time. It started out with an excessive amount of people, but it was Alex, that was to be expected. As the night went on, the crowd thinned out. Some of Alex’s Russian friends made their leave, and most of the remaining guests consisted of their teammates. Beags and Marcus were off in the corner getting drunk, Mike and Brooks were at the kitchen table getting drunker, and he saw John and Karl slip away into a closet — multiple times. Nicky didn’t want to focus on that image.

Nicky didn’t see Sasha leave, but he didn’t see him around anymore, which meant all of Alex’s attention was focused on Nicky. He tried to get Nicky to sing Russian songs with him (it, predictably, went horribly). He kept taking Nicky by the hand and dragging him around the house. And he for sure was trying to get Nicky drunk — he kept shoving drinks into his hands, encouraging Nicky to drink along with him.

But Nicky was getting far more drunk on Alex’s attention than he was on any drink. Being the first person Alex looked to whenever he wanted to say something and the one he always seemed to want to have a hand on sent a thrill through Nicky. Every look and every touch was like an electric jolt. And for once, he didn’t hate himself for feeling like this. In fact, he craved more of it. Maybe that was the alcohol talking, but he let his thoughts start to wander, which he didn’t usually let himself do. 

He wanted to feel his touch, more and more. He wondered how many little ways he could get away with that. He wondered if there was a way to keep Alex’s attention without giving himself away. He loved the feeling he got whenever Alex looked at him, and he wondered why he didn’t give in and let himself indulge in that feeling a little more often. Just because he didn’t want anyone to find out and wasn’t going to initiate anything, that didn’t mean he had to completely deny himself the chance to feel good.

And in the deepest part of his brain, he wondered something else: what if there was even the slightest chance of a possibility that Alex felt the same way? He knew that in sober reality, it wouldn’t happen, but his drunk brain wondered if it was possible.

Nicky didn’t know why he stayed late tonight, as he wasn’t typically one to stick around to the end of parties like this. But for whatever reason, tonight he stayed. Their teammates slowly trickled out, stumbling out the door one by one. Brooks and Mike left, and Nicky stuck Marcus and Beags in a cab. Once they pried John and Karl out of one of the back rooms and sent them on their way, it was just the two of them left in Alex’s house.

For a second, Nicky was afraid of what might happen with just the two of them alone. He was pretty inebriated, and he was giving in to some of the urges he usually wouldn’t dare let himself consider. He feared that he would break all of his own rules and try and do something. Maybe Alex would try to do something. But as he looked into Alex’s eyes, he realized Alex was far too tired for anything to possibly happen. His eyes were red, and his face was starting to droop.

Alex turned off the music, signaling that the party was over. Nicky felt his stomach drop. He didn’t want to leave. The last thing he wanted to do was leave.

Luckily, Alex didn’t seem to have any intentions of letting him go anywhere. He grabbed Nicky by the hand and led him over to the couch. His thoughts began to swirl around dangerously in his head. Did Alex want to sit and chat, like regular platonic friends did, or did he want...something else? Turned out, it was neither of those things, because Alex immediately plopped his head into Nicky’s lap and fell asleep.

He had the short-lived urge to get up and search for the remote or something, so he could at least turn on the TV, but there was no way he was moving. It was like there was a big, sleeping dog in his lap. He couldn’t move. Not that he wanted to move. Alex looked so peaceful when he was sleeping. The man who had no setting other than high gear could finally rest.

Nicky began to brush the hair out of Alex’s face with his fingertips. He always forgot that his hair was a lot softer than it looked.

He didn’t stop there. Realizing he was probably closer to  _ hammered _ than  _ drunk _ , he started threading his whole hand through Alex’s hair, running his fingers through it slowly, methodically, tenderly. He wanted to feel every strand on his head. There was something so intimate about touching another person’s hair, your hand so close to their face. He thought back to that moment last year, when Alex had been the one touching Nicky’s hair. The spot on his neck burned just thinking about it. Had Alex been thinking those things when he’d done that? Had he been aware of how intimate that sort of thing was? Did he care? Nicky cared. He knew how intimate this felt, at least to him. He would be absolutely mortified if Alex woke up and caught him doing this, even more so than the spooning.

Then he heard footsteps. He looked up, and Sasha walked into the room, cradling a big bowl of popcorn in his arms. Nicky froze like a deer in headlights, his fingers still tangled in Alex’s hair. His skin bristled; he felt like he’d been caught doing something dirty.

He locked eyes with Sasha, neither of them daring to move or speak for an uncomfortably long period of time. Nicky could just tell from the look in his eyes that he had definitely seen what he was doing.

He swallowed. “I thought you went home.”

Sasha’s voice came out all nonchalant, like he had seen nothing out of the ordinary. “Hiding upstairs until everyone else leave.” He threw himself into Alex’s big armchair. “Didn’t know  _ you _ still here.” He twisted himself around, draping his legs over the arm of the chair and adjusting himself until he got comfortable.

Nicky said absolutely nothing, his body all but paralyzed to the spot.

Sasha took a glance at him. “Don’t worry.” He threw a handful of popcorn in his mouth. “I won’t tell your secret.”

Nicky’s heart began to thump wildly. “I don’t have a secret.”

Sasha side eyed him, then shrugged. “Whatever you say.”

Evidently the conversation was over, because Sasha picked up the remote and turned on some Russian TV, and then promptly began to ignore him.

* * *

One thing Alex whined about all the time was that he didn’t have a “son” like Nicky did. Nicky always thought Alex was ridiculous when he said stuff like that. Yes, Nicky and Marcus were friends, and Nicky took Marcus under his wing and helped give him a little guidance when he needed it, but “son” was not the word Nicky would use to describe Marcus. Nicky was not old enough to be any sort of father, and Marcus disobeyed him far too much to be a proper son. But that never seemed to stop Alex from calling them father and son.

He and Alex were driving from practice one day on their way to get lunch somewhere when Marcus called.

“Hello?” Nicky answered the phone.

“Hey, Nicke, I have a question,” Marcus said. “Where are the best liquor stores in town? I need to stock up my place.”

Nicky rolled his eyes. Marcus had just turned twenty-one a few weeks ago, meaning he could finally buy booze in America, and Nicky no longer had the burden of buying it for him. But that didn’t mean he could be completely left to his own devices. “I’ll send you a couple addresses. But you know you can just go to the supermarket, Jojo. Grab it along with the rest of your groceries, which I  _ know _ you are getting regularly.”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks, Nicke, I’ll talk to you later.” Marcus hung up the phone quickly, and Nicky made a note to bring snacks over the next time he was at Marcus’s place to stock the fridge that would inevitably be full of alcohol and nothing else.

Nicky put his phone away and looked over at Alex, who had a grin strapped to his face. “You such a good dad, Nick.”

He rolled his eyes once more. “I’m no dad. Just trying to make sure our teammates don’t die. I don’t know about you, but they’re a lot easier to play with when they’re alive.”

“Like I said: dad.”

Nicky shook his head, even though he couldn’t help but smile.

Alex sighed loudly. “I want a son. Like you with Jojo.”

“Alex, we’ve been through this. Not my son.” Nicky was far too young to think of himself as a parental figure.

“Still, I want kid to take under my wing. Be a mentor in all ways.”

Nicky glanced over at him. “Alex, you’re the captain. You can mentor anyone you want. Take Carlzner, I’m pretty sure both of them could use some guidance.”

“Not the  _ same _ . You and Jojo both Swedish. That’s like, instant bond. I need a Russian to bond with.”

Nicky cracked a wry smile. “Well, there’s always Sasha.”

Alex let out a laugh. “Funny, Nick.” Nicky felt his cheeks go hot. “No, I mean Russian  _ kid _ . Not Russian same age. Sasha’s older than me, even. I want a Russian son.”

He talked with such passion, his whole face seemed to brighten up. Nicky couldn’t take his eyes off him. Thank god Alex was driving and looking at the road. Nicky didn’t need him to know he was looking at him like that.

Nicky swallowed. “I’m sure you’ll get one someday.”

Alex huffed. “Better be soon. I know Russian prospects in the pipeline. Bring them up, George. I want a son.”

And George must’ve heard him, because a few weeks later, he got his wish.

It was late November, the day before their game against the Coyotes. Practice was about to start, and currently Alex was poking at Nicky’s shinpads with his stick, attempting to get him to spar back, and Nicky was just trying to keep his smile under control. He was so engrossed in the sharp prodding that he was paying absolutely no attention to anything else around them, and he didn’t notice when someone new hopped on the ice.

But Alex did. In the middle of a playful jab, Alex stopped in his tracks and stared at something behind Nicky.

“What is it?” Nicky asked him, starting to fear that something might be wrong.

But then Alex just broke into a huge smile and shouted, “DIMA!”

He skated past Nicky and careened across the rink until he bumped into the kid who had just stepped onto the ice. This kid was super young, and he both looked like he wanted to curl up under a rock and also wanted to murder everyone who looked at him. He seemed unsure how to react when Alex squeezed him in a big hug and started talking to him in rapid-fire Russian. He did respond, though his Russian was in clipped, one-word sentences.

Nicky skated over in case he needed to save him from Alex’s smothering. When Alex noticed Nicky approaching, he put an arm around the kid’s shoulders and started beaming.

“Nicky, look! It’s Dima!”

He racked his brain for training camp names that would fit that nickname until he found the name that clicked — Dmitry Orlov. Oh, yes, he remembered this kid. Defenseman. Russian. A little mean.

“Yes, I remember.”

He caught Nicky’s gaze, his eyes simply sparkling. “This is my son!!!”

Dima’s face turned red and twisted in annoyance, and he shoved aggressively at Alex. But Alex just squeezed him tighter and continued to beam like a proud papa. Poor kid. Alex was never going to let him have a day of peace ever again.

“Well, you finally have your Russian to mentor.”

“I know! Now we both have sons. Can be like a little family now.”

It was when Alex reached out and placed a hand on Nicky’s arm that Nicky realized that he was only inches away from Alex. Who had skated closer, him or Alex? It was like Alex had a gravitational pull. Nicky didn’t remember being this close. The thought of his body doing that without his consent made him want to smack himself. He went flush, and he was glad he could blame that on the rigors of practice. He looked at Alex, his face far too close. Nicky could feel Alex’s warm breath on his own face. He wanted to move, or look away. Or say something; anything. But he did none of those things. He was just caught in this gaze, transfixed but also angry at himself for not doing  _ anything _ .

The spell was only broken when Dima, who decided that this tension was absolutely unbearable, wrestled out from Alex’s grasp and sped away, looking for just about anyone else to talk to.

Alex began to pout, and Nicky couldn’t help but laugh. “Looks like your new Russian is a bit of a delinquent.”

“Don’t worry, he’ll come around,” Alex said. “He’ll grow to love me.”

“I have no doubt, you’re incredibly charming.”

Nicky immediately wanted to curse himself for saying that. Alex caught his gaze again, and Nicky froze. Fuck, was Alex going to say something about that? Was he going to press him about what he said? Oh god, please no, anything but that. Nicky couldn’t deal with that right now. Luckily, the tension passed, Alex’s gaze softened, and Nicky felt like he could breathe again.

Then suddenly, Alex lit up with an idea. “You know what we should do?” he asked Nicky. “Family outing! You and me and our sons, spend the day together.”

The words “our sons” suddenly made his head spin. Combine that with Alex calling them a “little family” just a moment ago, and it was almost like Alex was talking like they were a couple of parents, or even just a couple. As Alex said that, Nicky suddenly got the image in his head of them being together, like  _ together _ together, and he started to lose his mind. Did Alex know what he was doing when he was talking like this? How exactly  _ did  _ he feel? Nicky didn’t know, which was just all the more anxiety-inducing and drove him all the more crazy. He needed to get out of this conversation. His heart couldn’t take this kind of talk, especially if he didn’t know if there was ever even a slight chance it could become real.

He started skating backwards, acting like he was going to head over to get started on a drill. “Yeah, sure, whatever you want. You’re the captain, your duty to get all the kids in line.”

“You just as important to the kids, Nick. We do this together.”

_ Together _ . It sounded like heaven coming from Alex’s lips. Together in any sense of the word was what felt right to Nicky. He wanted that. But he knew Alex didn’t mean it in the way Nicky wanted it most. Did he? No, he didn’t.

Nicky tried to play cool. “Sure, whatever you want.”

And then he turned and skated away, his heart in a tailspin.

* * *

Nicky didn’t think Alex had been that serious when he’d said they needed to go on a “family outing.” He was imagining taking them out for hamburgers or something. But then on the morning of the next off day, Alex knocked on his front door bright and early.

“Alex?” Nicky asked after opening the door, his voice still gravelly with sleep. “What are you doing here?”

Alex smiled. “Family outing!” he proclaimed. “Come on, we going into town. Get in the car.”

Nicky very much wanted to protest. The clock on the wall said it was seven-thirty in the morning, which wasn’t that early in the grand scheme of things, but it was an off day, and he wanted to fucking sleep. He had no intention of going downtown that early, and he planned on telling Alex just that.

But then he looked at Alex, his face framed by the orange and yellow light of the rising sun behind him, looking like his whole body was set aglow. Nicky felt a tug in his chest, and he felt himself being drawn towards him, and he knew he couldn’t tell him no.

So, Nicky found himself being corralled into the car for a nice wholesome family outing. And by family, that of course meant Dima and Marcus, their respective “sons,” who were already sitting in the backseat. Marcus, who Nicky knew was  _ not _ a morning person, was sleeping soundly, mouth agape, with his head against the window. Dima had his arms crossed over his chest and looked like he was waiting impatiently for them to just get this over with already.

Nicky turned to Alex as they got out onto the road. “Where are we going, Alex?”

“Downtown,” Alex responded. “Dima still brand new. Gonna give him a taste of the city. Show him around.”

Nicky knew what that meant. That meant they’d be out acting like a bunch of tourists. That could only end well.

“Do you have a plan?” Nicky questioned. “We going to museums, monuments, or what? Anything we’d need a ticket for? Or are we just going to wander aimlessly around town? Speaking of, are we walking? Driving’s not the most convenient. And we  _ better _ not be taking the Metro. I know you said you want to give Dima a ‘taste of the city’ but I think that’s a part we can skip.”

Alex waved him off, a grin on his face. “Don’t worry about it, Nicky. I have it under control.”

Nicky crossed his arms. “Really? Because showing up at my door at sunrise without warning just  _ screams _ ‘control.’”

“I call it ‘spontaneous.’” Alex grinned real wide. He was always real proud of himself when he could use big English words. “Try it sometime.”

Nicky huffed. Alex was lucky it was too early to put up an argument about this. It also helped his case that he still looked like he was glowing in the sunlight. Nicky figured he would just wait until they got there before getting that worked up about anything.

They finally made it downtown, and, surprisingly, it turned out that Alex did have some semblance of a plan. He pulled into a parking garage, he pulled out his phone — which actually seemed to have an itinerary written on it — and he very confidently directed them where he wanted them to go.

The first stop was, of course, the National Mall — had to give Dima that true D.C. experience. Alex pointed out all the important buildings, and at the Lincoln Memorial he made Dima and Marcus go up on the steps so he could take pictures of them, holding up his phone and grinning like a proud mother. They both looked so awkward and uncomfortable that Nicky couldn’t help but take out his phone and snap a couple photos himself.

Nicky didn’t want to admit it, but Alex actually put together a pretty good day. After that, they took a stroll around the sculpture garden (and made Dima pose with basically every piece of art, which he hated), they walked around the FDR Memorial, which actually made Nicky feel very calm and serene, and for lunch, Alex took them to a little hole in the wall restaurant, which Nicky had actually had his eye on trying for awhile. Actually, all of those things were things Nicky had wanted to do, even the Lincoln Memorial — it had been awhile since he’d been there. Alex was hitting it out of the park, and Nicky was actually enjoying himself, much more than he thought he’d enjoy a “give Dima a taste of the city” trip. He was pleasantly surprised.

But that didn’t mean Nicky wasn’t going to bicker with him, just because...well, he wanted to.

After lunch, Alex gave them the rundown for the next part of his plan. “Okay, there are a lot of museums that I would love to go to, but we only have time for one. I was thinking either Natural History, Air and Space, or Spy Museum.” He pondered for a second. “Actually, I like Spy Museum.”

“How about the Natural History Museum?” Nicky suggested. “If we’re gonna educate Dima, might as well give him a little culture.”

Alex looked at him. “Spies are culture.”

“Educational culture.”

“It’s a  _ museum _ , all of them have education.” Alex sassed him. “Besides, spies are cool.”

“The history one has a bunch of dinosaur bones, I think that’s pretty cool.”

“Not any cooler than spies.” Nicky just rolled his eyes at him. “Come on, Nicky, I want to look at the spy stuff.”

Nicky cracked a smirk. “You want to see if anyone else is getting into some late night filings?”

A grin pulled at Alex’s mouth, and Nicky felt his heart dance with the satisfaction of having made him smile. He had such a great smile.

“So you agree? Spies?”

Nicky scoffed. “Uh, no, I absolutely did not agree to that, I still think my choice is better for everyone involved.”

“Can we have a say?” Marcus piped up.

“NO!” Nicky and Alex shouted at the same time.

Nicky saw Marcus and Dima give each other a look. A suspicious look. Then Marcus whispered something in Dima’s ear, making Dima chuckle.  _ Incredibly  _ suspicious.

“Whatever, don’t ask what we want, it’s cool,” Marcus said. “Just decide quickly, or we’re going to run onto the Metro and you’ll never find us again.”

Dear god, not the Metro. Marcus wasn’t playing around with his ultimatums. Nicky looked Alex straight in the eye, despite how much that eye contact threatened to send quivers through his body. “Well, then? What’ll it be?”

Ultimately, they decided on the Air and Space Museum, because everyone could agree that planes were cool. They ended up spending a couple of hours there, but that wasn’t the last stop on Alex’s grand tour. The final stop was at the tidal basin, where the plan was just to sit and wind down by the waterside for a little bit.

This, of course, meant that Marcus fell asleep almost as soon as they sat down. That man could fall asleep almost anywhere.

Just sitting here, being quiet in the company of friends while the water rippled in front of them, was just so incredibly nice. Exactly how Nicky would choose to end a long day, to be honest. Even though it was Dima’s day, it was almost like it was set out for  _ him _ .

“So, Dima,” Alex began from his spot sitting to Dima’s right. “How you like your taste of the city?”

Dima considered. “Like it. Very nice. Wish we go to the zoo, though.”

Alex smiled. “Next time, we go to the zoo, I promise.”

_ Next time?  _ At the beginning of the day, that thought would’ve just made him groan. But now...he didn’t hate it.

“Oh!” Alex exclaimed, like he just got a bright idea. “You know what we should do? Go in some of those boats! I’ll go see if I can rent some.” Then he jumped to his feet and was off running to find whoever it was who had the boats. All Nicky could focus on were the muscles on his back as he walked away; he knew there were a couple tattoos back there, and he just wanted to lift up that shirt and take a look at them.

Nicky shook his head.  _ Get ahold of yourself _ .

He brought himself back to reality. Now, it was just him, with Dima to his right and the sleeping Marcus to his left. He hadn’t had much opportunity to have conversation with Dima, but he guessed now was a good time to start. He opened his mouth to say something, but Dima beat him to it, turning his head toward him with a steely look in his eyes.

“Chicken parm.”

Nicky furrowed his brow in confusion. “Excuse me??”

“For him.”

What? “I don’t understand.”

Dima sighed, loudly and dramatically. “Make an effort.” He looked very blatantly at Alex over talking to the guy in charge of the boats. “Because  _ he  _ trying  _ very  _ hard.”

Nicky felt like all the blood had drained from his body.  _ Oh fuck oh shit oh fuck oh shit _ . Was he that obvious? Dima had only been with the team for a very short amount of time, and it seemed he already had him figured out. Dima was not one to beat around the bush or hold back. Not only was Dima telling him that he knew, he was also calling him out for doing a bad job at dealing with his feelings. Nicky wanted to crawl and hide in a hole, this was mortifying.

But then there was something else that he said that gave Nicky pause. “He trying very hard.” As in...Alex? What, working to impress him? Court him? That would mean that Alex shared the same feelings that Nicky did, which was something his teammates always mentioned offhand or joked about. But as he just said, Dima was not one to beat around the bush. So...was there a chance? A real chance? Nicky had never really considered his feelings actually being reciprocated before, not seriously. He was prepared to die with his feelings to himself. But now it might be real. Nicky’s heart was going absolutely haywire, threatening to beat out of his chest. He could feel his brain starting to melt. He was, to put it lightly, freaking the fuck out.

Somehow, miraculously, Nicky managed to make a response come out of his mouth. “ _ Excuse  _ me? He  _ what _ ? I should  _ what _ ?”

Dima just looked at him like he was a fucking idiot. “Try harder. He not that hard to impress.”

Before Nicky could even think about coming up with a retort to that, Alex came back, and Nicky clamped his mouth shut. He really hoped that on the outside he looked like he was put together, and not like he was having a complete emotional breakdown.

Luckily, Alex didn’t seem any the wiser. He just sauntered on over with a big grin on his face. “I got boats!” He jabbed Marcus’s side with his foot. “Jojo, get up! I got boats!”

Marcus groaned and sat up, looking like he was really considering killing Alex. “Boats?” he grumbled.

“Yeah, boats!” Alex exclaimed. “We gonna go paddling out onto the water. I had to get two boats, ‘cause each boat only fits two. We gotta split up.”

Split up? Nicky started to panic. That meant there was a good chance he could get stuck with Alex, all alone, in a tiny inescapable boat. And right now, he did not think he was in an emotional state to deal with that right now. He needed to snag Marcus as his partner.

Unfortunately, Marcus had realized the exact same thing, and, somehow, he was quicker than him. “I’m going with Dima!” he shouted. He jumped up, grabbed Dima’s hand, and the two of them bolted towards the boats. Nicky caught a whiff of conspiracy.

So it would be him and Alex, in a boat, alone. He felt his heartbeat somehow get even faster as they stepped into the boat together, and he felt warm and sweaty and for a moment, he didn’t know how he was going to do this. But in the end, it was just Alex. Sometimes when he got like this, he forgot that he just liked being with him. Hell, he should be ecstatic about something like a boat ride alone. He took a deep breath and told himself to just try and enjoy it.

The two of them paddled until they were far away from shore, just about in the very center, and then they both stopped at about the same time, like they were on the same wavelength about exactly where they wanted to be out on the water. And like almost everything they had done today, it was real peaceful out here.

“So, Nicky,” Alex ventured. “You have a good time today?”

Nicky took a glance over at Alex, and he saw nervousness in his eyes. Like he was anxious for Nicky’s answer, and anxious that it be a positive one. And then it hit him. Maybe he wasn’t just seeing things; maybe this whole day hadn’t  _ actually  _ been for Dima, but for him. And maybe Dima was right. Maybe there was actually something there. Just the thought of it made his heart clench.

“I did, actually,” Nicky replied.

Alex’s face burst into happiness, and Nicky saw that nervousness in his eyes change to relief. “Good! I’m glad. Was worried you’d hate it.”

Was he really that worried about disappointing him? Nicky softened. “No, you did a good job. I had a good time celebrating...Dima’s big day in the city.”

Alex smiled at him, and Nicky saw something in his face that he hadn’t seen before. Or maybe it had always been there, and Nicky just hadn’t been able to open his eyes. Nicky didn’t quite know what that look was, but he knew he had fallen hard for it.

Alex reached out to touch him, but then he pulled back, just resting his arm on the shared platform between them.

Seeing that restraint just made Nicky fall all the more. He put his own arm on the platform, the edges of their arms and hands just barely touching, burning warm. They didn’t look at each other, but Nicky sat with a smile on his face, and he suspected Alex was, too.

* * *

“Okay, Brooks. You get to marry any celebrity in the world, but you don’t get any of their money. Who do you choose?” Marcus asked.

Brooks thought a moment. “Julianne Hough.”

Marcus raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yeah! She’s a dancer, I like dancers.”

“You wish, Brooksy,” John chirped.

At least once a season, the team took one night on the road to sit in the lounge of the hotel and play a game, which had over the years come to be called “Who would you choose?” Generally, it was a who would you marry or who would you have dinner with situation, though it always came with some kind of catch. More often than not, the answer was typically a hot celebrity.

Nicky wasn’t paying the most attention; his brain was floating in and out. He was too busy looking at Alex. He loved watching him when he was intently listening to someone, especially when he was wearing a tight-fitting shirt like that.

Brooks asked Karl a question Nicky’s brain was too cloudy to hear, and he was pretty sure he heard Karl answer Jennifer Aniston, to a bit of laughter. Then Karl asked John, “You get invited to a dinner with the fanciest, richest people in the world, but they drill you with invasive questions and judge you the entire time. Who do you pick to go with you?”

“Kim Kardashian,” John answered.

“You’re not picking me? Your own boyfriend?” Karl questioned.

“Karl, you would  _ hate  _ that,” John reasoned. “I’m saving you from that. Besides, everyone will just ask her questions and completely forget about me.”

Karl grumbled. “Fine, I guess.”

Nicky got too distracted by Alex’s sudden stretch and riding up of his shirt to catch what happened next, but he looked over and all seemed forgiven between the two, so now it was John’s turn to ask a question. He turned to Mike.

“You get to go on tour with any band, but you’re not allowed to touch or jam on any of their instruments,” John said. “Who do you choose?”

This question looked like it really pained Mike. After a lot of deliberation, he answered, “Green Day.”

John placed a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sure that must be hard for you.”

“I have to live with my choices,” Mike said. He took a breath and settled himself. Then he turned to Alex. Nicky suddenly found himself hyper-focused on what was happening.

“Alright, Alex,” Mike started. “You can choose any person in the world to spend the rest of your life with. Anyone in the world, forever.  _ But _ , they are the  _ only _ person you can see for the rest of your life. Who do you choose?”

Then Alex looked directly into Nicky’s eyes, making Nicky’s heart stop. “I pick Nick.”

Nicky’s breath caught, and he was pretty sure he audibly gasped, but he wasn’t certain because he suddenly couldn’t hear very well; his heart was pounding like a drum in his ears. His entire body began to quiver. He couldn’t look away; Alex’s gaze had trapped him. And on top of that, he could feel everyone in the room looking at them.

“Uhh...are you sure?” Mike asked. “You can pick anyone on Earth, any celebrity or anyone, and you choose Nick?”

Alex answered like he had never been more sure about anything in his entire life. “Yes.”

His body wasn’t moving a muscle, but inside Nicky was going absolutely haywire. He felt like he was on fire, and his whole body was just filled with this overwhelming, insatiable feeling of  _ want _ . He wanted him, so very badly. He felt an urge to go over there and climb into that chair with him and rip off his shirt and just give in to every primal desire he had. His body pumped with adrenaline just thinking about it. But he didn’t. He simply sat there, mouth agape, staring like an idiot.

Alex continued to hold him in unabashed, unbreaking eye contact. Nicky was pretty sure he was trying to say something to him. He thought back to what Dima had said to him, and now more than ever, he was feeling more and more sure that Dima had been right. Which meant that right here, in this moment, Alex was trying to tell him about his own feelings. And that scared Nicky. That scared him right down to his core.

Karl coughed and stood up pointedly. “Well, I think it’s about time we all go to bed! Yup, I think it’s bedtime. Have a good night, fellas.”

Everyone mumbled in agreement and quickly started to leave the room. Nicky, in a panic, scrambled out of the room with everyone else and tried to escape. His heart was pounding too fast. He didn’t know what to think. He couldn’t face this. He didn’t want to talk to Alex. He didn’t want anyone at all to talk to him; someone was bound to confront him about that and he  _ did not want  _ to talk about his feelings.

Of course, he didn’t get his wish. Somehow, Mike caught up to him further down the hallway. He grabbed Nicky by the elbow.

“ _ Dude _ . I think that was as obvious as ever,” he whispered to him. “I  _ really _ think —”

“Shut up, Mike,” Nicky cut him off. “Shut up shut up shut up shut up.”

He had his hands clenched and his face pointed down to the ground, trying to shut out the whole world. He was overwhelmed and confused and just wanted to scream into a pillow. He aggressively yanked his arm, and, free of Mike’s grasp, managed to escape him and slip away into his room.

He launched himself into his bed facedown. Maybe if he dug himself deep enough into the covers he would simply cease to exist, which would be just fine by him. He was mortified. He was pretty sure everyone knew his secret at this point; he’d just sat there, wide-eyed and open-mouthed like an idiot. He’d outed himself, and now everyone was going to look at him differently, or even worse — they might  _ talk  _ to him about it. He did not want to go through the mortifying ordeal of being known. Having Mike (and, let’s be honest, probably Marcus and definitely Dima) know was bad enough.

He wanted to forget this night. He wanted to rewind the clock and have everyone else forget about it. He wanted to forget the embarrassment, he wanted to forget how much his heart raced, and he wanted to forget how much that adrenaline terrified him, even while it thrilled him. Mainly, he just wanted to forget how much of a coward he was for not being able to face this.

But he would never forget the way Alex looked at him that night. Not ever.

* * *

They had arrived to the last stop on their road trip, and they had a day off in town, but frankly, Nicky just wanted to stay in his room and sleep.

Unfortunately, it seemed he was not going to be allowed to do that. He was lying in bed, trying to will himself to doze off, when someone knocked on his door. Ugh, really? He got up and opened the door to find Marcus on the other side.

“What do you want, Jojo?” he asked.

“Hey, the guys are all downstairs, a big card game is starting. Let’s go,” Marcus beckoned him to follow.

“Actually, I think I’ll pass.” He really wanted to sleep. Or at least make an attempt to do so.

Marcus’s face hardened. “Actually, it’s mandatory.” Without waiting for a response, he grabbed Nicky by the arm and started to march them both towards the elevator.

Mandatory? A mandatory card game? Whatever, Nicky was good at cards, he’d just beat them all until they got annoyed with him and let him leave.

Marcus took him down to the lobby. Nicky expected to see a huge crowd of teammates clustered around a table, but instead all he saw was one table occupied by John and Karl, and that was it. Nicky furrowed his brow. If this was a “mandatory” card game, then where was everybody?

“I really thought there’d be more of the guys down here,” Nicky said to Marcus as they approached the table.

Marcus brushed him off. “Eh, some of them are slow. They’ll get here.” He turned and spotted something behind them. “Look! There are some now.”

He turned and saw Dima approaching them, being trailed closely by Alex. Nicky felt his heart start to speed up.

Upon arrival, Alex said to the group, “I thought whole team gonna be here.”

“Soon,” Dima said.

“Hey, don’t worry about everyone else, sit down, sit down,” John urged. “Karl and I have been waiting for like, ever for anyone to show up. Let’s just get started.”

Nicky and Alex each took a seat, but Marcus and Dima remained standing. “Aren’t you gonna sit?” Nicky asked them.

“No, actually, I have to uh, go,” Marcus said, gesturing behind him. “I gotta go and do stuff.”

“Me too,” Dima agreed. “Also stuff.”

“We’ll catch you later.”

The two of them bolted out of there before Nicky could direct any other questions their way. This sudden departure felt incredibly odd, especially because Nicky knew that Marcus was also very good at cards and leaped at every opportunity to play.

“So much for ‘mandatory,’” Alex said.

“Don’t worry about them, they’re missing out,” Karl assured. He picked up a deck of cards. “Shall we?”

He dealt them their hands, and they played for a little while, but no one else showed up. For something that was supposedly mandatory for the whole team, there was a surprising lack of team here. Despite his suspicions, Nicky let it slide for the moment. He was winning.

After about three hands, Alex stretched, acting like he was about to stand up. “Hungry. I’m gonna go grab a snack or something from the front.”

“No!!” John and Karl shouted at once, freezing Alex in his path. He gave them a questioning eyebrow.

“No need to get up, man,” John said. “We’ll tell someone to bring us something. Just stay in the game. You can’t leave a table in the middle of a card game, that’s bad karma.”

“Yeah,  _ super _ bad karma,” Karl confirmed.

Nicky had never heard that saying in his life. Their whole demeanor screamed suspicious, but they seemed really adamant on both of them staying, so they stayed. Whatever, it was just cards.

After a few more hands (all of which Nicky won), Mike showed up at the table. Looked like someone on the team finally got the memo there was a supposedly-mandatory card game going on.

“Hey, Greenie!” Alex greeted. “Come join the game. Maybe you can actually beat Nicky.”

“Yeah, sure, in just a second,” Mike said. “But first, I need your help. I need you guys to help me move something in the rec room. It’s really big and heavy.”

“Yeah, sure, I can help,” Alex said.

“Great, awesome.” Mike looked at Nicky. “You too, Nick.”

“Me?” he asked in confusion. “Why not either of those two? They are  _ both _ taller than me.” He wasn’t salty about it, though.

“Just go, Nick,” John directed.

Nicky rolled his eyes. Whatever, this wasn’t worth putting up a fight over. He stood up and followed Mike and Alex to the rec room. The room was full of games and chairs and billiards tables and arcade consoles and many other things of the like, but Nicky couldn’t fathom what Mike was trying to have moved.

“What do you need us to move?” Alex asked.

“Oh, it’s just behind that door over there.” Mike pointed to a door on the nearest wall. “Trust me, it’s real big, you’ll see it.”

Mike stayed behind as the two of them went over to the door. Nicky expected to see some kind of giant fancy card table or something to assist with the card game in the lobby, but they opened the door to find something very much not that.

“Mike, this is a broom closet,” Nicky stated.

“Yeah, I know.”

And then Mike pushed him with all his might into the broom closet. And before there was time to react, he pushed Alex in as well, and then shut and locked the door behind them.

Nicky stood shell-shocked for a moment, stunned at what had just happened. He stood rooted to the spot, not quite able to move, but then Alex started pounding on the door.

“Greenie, what the hell?” he screamed. “Let us out!”

“No can do, guys,” Mike said from the other side of the door. “This has gone on long enough, and I am sick and tired of it. We all are. You two are going to stay in there until you talk about your feelings.”

That jarred Nicky back to action. He also went to the door and started to yell. “Excuse me?  _ Feelings _ ?”

“Yes, Nick, feelings. You both have them. Just work your shit out.”

Nicky felt a fierce blush spread across his entire face. He was very glad it was currently pitch black in here.

“Just let us out, Greenie,” Alex said. “Ha-ha, funny prank, you got us. Now open the door.”

“Nope. Not happening. Not before you talk to each other.”

“Let us out, dick!” Nicky yelled.

“You know, the less time you put it off, the less time you have to spend in there.”

“Yeah, ‘cause that’s happening,” Nicky snorted. “Open the door, Mike.”

“No.”

Both Nicky and Alex spent a little longer pleading with Mike to be let out, but evidently he was done humoring them, because he stopped talking. All they could hear was some faint scraping from the other side of the door.

All Nicky knew was that he was  _ not _ going to be talking about his feelings. They had to get out of here. They just had to come up with a plan.

“Alex, we have to get out,” Nicky said.

“Agreed,” Alex said. “But how?”

“Hmm. I don’t know exactly, it would be easier if I could see what’s in the room.”

“Hey, I found a lightswitch here on the wall. Let me turn it on.”

A single fluorescent light flicked on above their heads, revealing a broom closet that was smaller than it looked from the outside. It was about the size of a walk-in closet, about three or four feet from end to end. And it was a very sparse closet, with only a mop, a bucket, and a broom. Nothing remotely helpful enough to help them bust out of here with brute force. Nicky guessed it was finally time to put his lockpicking skills to good use. It had been awhile, so he’d be a little rusty, but he could definitely do it. He just hoped he could find something to pick it with.

“Come on, we have to pick the lock.” Nicky knelt down and began to examine the doorknob.

“You know how to pick a lock?” Alex asked.

“Yeah. I just need a hairpin or a paper clip or something like that.”

Alex fished around in his pockets. “This work?”

He pulled out a bobby pin and presented it to Nicky. Nicky blinked in surprise. “Yes, that’s perfect, actually.” He plucked it out of Alex’s hand. “Why do you have this?”

Alex shrugged. “Some of the guys really fussy about the long hair. Have to be prepared in case of hair emergency.”

Nicky was about to roll his eyes at that, but he, with his long blond hair, had absolutely no room to make fun of how much anyone fussed about their hair; he was probably one of the guys Alex was referring to. Instead, he narrowed his focus to their escape. He fashioned the pin into a lockpick, slid it into the lock, and began to fiddle around.

“Don’t even try to pick the lock,” Mike’s voice came from the other side of the door. “We’ve barricaded the door, there’s no coming out. You’re stuck in there until you talk about your feelings.”

“Asshole!” Alex shouted at the door.

Nicky’s face burned. “He’s bluffing. He has to be.”

Alex dropped down onto his stomach and peered underneath the crack of the door. “Shit. Can’t see anything, definitely stuff blocking it.” He lifted his head and looked up at Nicky. “He not bluffing.”

How the fuck did he barricade it so quickly? Mike must have had help. He thought back to Marcus and Dima fetching them for a “mandatory” card game and then slipping away, and then John and Karl insistent that they not leave the table. Nicky knew it had been suspicious. Accomplices, all of them. This entire thing had been set up.

Reality began to sink in. Shit. They were really stuck here. In a small space. With each other. Alone. Nicky backed up against the far wall, and he saw Alex drift towards the other wall. It was only the three or four feet of space, but it felt like enough. Nicky needed the space. He couldn’t have Alex that close to him, he didn’t know what that might do to his brain or his body. At least right now he could kind of feel like he could breathe.

He was  _ not _ going to talk about his feelings. He flat-out refused. Leave them locked in here for hours, Nicky could handle it. The coaches would come looking for them eventually, and then Mike would  _ have  _ to let them out. Nicky didn’t care how long he waited, he was  _ not _ going to discuss his feelings with the very person he was mad for, even if there was the possibility he felt something back. That was far too raw for him.

But he couldn’t just stand there saying absolutely nothing. The awkward tension would drive him nuts. But what scared Nicky more was the thought that if he said nothing, Alex might take it upon himself to actually ask him about said feelings, and he would  _ not _ have that. He needed to steer this conversation somewhere else, and he needed to do it right now.

He cleared his throat. “So, uh,” he started awkwardly. “Have you, uh, seen any good movies lately?”

The awkward question clearly caught Alex off-guard; his face became riddled with confusion, like he was wondering if he’d even heard him right. Then he must have caught the look of sheer panic in Nicky’s eyes, because something in his face shifted, and then, miraculously, he went along with it.

“Oh yes, of course!” he responded with a bit too much pep in his voice. “Seen plenty of good movies. Just a little bit ago I actually saw one in the theater, the Muppets one, you know. It was crazy! They had no money and they had to buy back the stage, and they have to put on a show to do it. But they can’t get a celebrity to help, which was weird ‘cause everyone in that movie a celebrity. Then they kidnap Jack Black! Which was also weird, ‘cause I know he loves that stuff, he would have come willingly.”

Nicky thought it was real sweet of him to go on like this. Nicky could not for the life of him decipher the plot of the movie from his description, but the fact that he was trying so hard made Nicky grow even more fond of him. It almost made him forget about the horribly awkward situation they were currently in.

Alex wasn’t done. “Oh, and they had Gonzo! You know I love that guy. And the eagle, he look like Holts. Oh, and the Chef! The Swedish Chef! You know him, right, Nicke?”

Nicky wrinkled his nose. “Like, personally?”

“No, of course not  _ personally _ .” Then he tilted his head in consideration. “Unless you  _ do _ …?”

Nicky scoffed. “Alex, please.”

Alex threw his hands up in surrender. “Fine, just thought I’d ask.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Would have been cool, though,” he mumbled.

“What, did you really think I  _ knew _ the Swedish Chef?” Nicky snarked. “That we were  _ friends _ or something?”

“I don’t know, you  _ could _ have!”

“He’s a  _ puppet _ , Alex.”

“I  _ know _ that, I was just joking around and I…” he trailed off and took a big sigh. “I don’t wanna argue with you anymore.”

Nicky’s entire body went very still. Alex’s tone was suddenly very serious. He felt his chest start to tighten up. He didn’t like where this was going.

“Nick,” Alex began. “I think we need to stop playing pretend.”

Nicky couldn’t tell whether his heart had stopped or whether it was going a hundred miles an hour. He tried to act like nothing was amiss. “Pretend about what?” he asked in a voice that was not as strong as he wanted it to be.

Alex just looked at him. “I think you know what.”

Alex took a couple steps towards him, and suddenly the room that once had plenty of space now felt very very small. And worse, Nicky realized that he was no longer against the wall, meaning that without realizing it, he himself had stepped closer, too. A dick move for his subconscious to pull, especially when it was getting harder and harder to breathe.

Nicky tried to save face. He still desperately did not want to have this conversation. He swallowed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He knew it wasn’t convincing, and Alex did, too. “Fine, you don’t wanna talk about it. Then can I ask you something?” He looked Nicky dead in the eye, hard enough to make Nicky’s breath catch. “Why you mad at me?”

This wasn’t the question Nicky had anticipated. “Huh?”

“Last year, you mad at me a lot. Sometimes, I feel like you  _ always  _ mad at me. Why you mad at me?”

His response came out involuntarily. “I’m  _ not _ mad at you!” Shit. That came out a lot louder than intended. Oh lord, was it too late to go back? He looked at the way Alex was looking at him, intently watching and fixated on him. Nicky started to suspect that maybe it was too late. He squeezed his eyes shut. “Not always.”

Alex said nothing, waiting for Nicky to go on.

Maybe he could get away with this by being vague? Nicky took a breath. “I have a lot of feelings. And I get real frustrated at myself for not knowing how to deal with them, and sometimes that comes across as anger. It’s my own fault, really.” Maybe that was enough. Theoretically, that could mean just about anything. He could be mad at himself for his play on the ice, or for having to deal with the media, or literally anything. He could come up with an excuse for this.

“Feelings like what?”

Nicky’s heart dropped into his stomach. Oh, shit. He should  _ not  _ have said the word  _ feelings _ . He was done for. His mouth hung open, his eyes were wide, and his heart threatened to beat its way out of his chest. He felt frozen to the spot. All he could do was stare at Alex like an idiot.

Alex took a step closer, making Nicky’s heart beat just that much faster. “Like what, Nicky?” Alex repeated, softer this time.

Nicky knew he had to say something now. There was no turning back. Even though he was absolutely riddled with fear, he steeled himself, swallowed, and said, in a small voice, “The good kind.”

There it was, out there in the open. Nicky felt completely naked. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been vulnerable with someone like this. He didn’t think he’d  _ ever  _ been vulnerable with someone like this. He’d taken his heart out of his chest and presented it to him, and now he was trusting him not to squash it. He had no idea what Alex would say to him, and the seconds between the words leaving his lips and Alex’s response felt like years. His entire body felt tense, like he was going to explode at any second. He was terrified of what Alex was going to say, and he was prepared for the worst. He braced himself, dreading a negative response from Alex’s mouth.

And then a smile grew on Alex’s face. “I like the good kind.”

Frankly, Nicky was surprised he didn’t pass out right then and there. He suddenly felt incredibly dizzy. He was pretty sure his world was in the middle of being rocked. Was Alex really saying to him what he thought he was saying to him? He had to know. He had to press for more.

“Now let me ask  _ you _ a question,” Nicky said, somehow finding the courage to take a step closer. “That night, on the bus, all those months ago. You were playing with my hair.” He looked him in the eye. “Did you know what you were doing?”

The combination of that soft gaze, hint of a smirk, and clear answer left very little doubt. “Yes.”

Nicky suddenly felt very lightheaded. He was pretty sure his brain short-circuited. He felt his heart pounding in his chest and in his ears, and a burning sensation flowing from his head to his toes.

But he still had to know more. “How long?” Nicky asked.

Alex gave him the answer Nicky only ever got in his wildest fantasies. “Always.”

He took another step closer; there were mere inches between them now. Nicky didn’t dare move a muscle; he feared what a touch might do to him.

Alex asked him the same question. “How long?”

Nicky answered sheepishly. “I didn’t see it for a long time but...I think always.”

This seemed to delight Alex. “Why it take you so long?” he asked, a light tease.

Nicky smirked. “I’m an idiot. And…” his voice dropped to a whisper. “I was scared.”

A flicker of worry passed through Alex’s eyes. “Why?”

Nicky trembled, suddenly more terrified than he’d ever been in his life. “Scared you wouldn’t love me back.”

It was the first time he’d said the word  _ love _ , even to himself. But in that moment, he realized it was true. It had always been true.

By this point, the space between them was all but gone. They were chest to chest, their faces dizzyingly close. Alex put his hand on Nicky’s lower back, sending a jolt of electricity through him, and pressing Nicky into him. His voice was a low, low rumble.

“You scared now, Nicky?”

Breathless, he whispered, “Yes.”

Alex brought their faces together, resting his forehead upon Nicky’s, his warm breath already on Nicky’s lips. “Don’t need to be.”

The first thing Nicky was aware of was that Alex grasped his hair in the exact same spot, that spot at the nape of his neck that burned like hot fire, as he did all those months ago. The second thing he was aware of was Alex’s lips on his.

Years and years of unspoken desire all came out at once. Nicky found himself consumed by a ravenous hunger. Right now he only felt one thing, and that was  _ want _ . He wanted him, all of him, all at once. He wanted to somehow make up for years of missing out all in one moment. He had one arm wrapped around Alex’s shoulders, holding him tight against his chest, and one hand tangled in the soft mess that was Alex’s hair, keeping pressure on his head as if he could push their mouths closer together.

Nicky had thought he’d felt fire and hunger before. None of that compared to the feeling of Alex’s lips meeting his own, and the sensation of their bodies trying to melt into each other. Every part of him ran white-hot. He wanted to touch every inch of Alex’s skin, and he wanted Alex to touch every inch of his. He felt Alex’s tongue inside his mouth, and it was all he could do to keep himself from moaning. He savored the feel, he savored the taste. He told himself to keep it together, but he just wanted more, more, more. As much as he would give him in this moment, he would take.

Alex pulled away, leaving Nicky breathing hard, wanting more. Alex made up for it by placing a kiss on his collarbone, then on his cheek, and then resting their foreheads together.

“Nick,” he whispered. “ _ Always _ loved you back.”

Nicky took a couple deep breaths, trying to let that sink in.  _ Always _ . It had been always. And  _ that _ had just happened, in the middle of a broom closet. He inhaled, trying to breathe him in. It was like he was in the middle of a dream, and he desperately did not want to wake up.

“Hey, Nick?” Alex looked at him expectantly. “You want to do this? For real?”

For a second, he was paralyzed. It was one thing to kiss and tell in a tiny, horribly-lit closet where reality was a little bit hazy. This would make it real. This would simultaneously validate and expose everything he had ever felt, it would validate everything that had happened here, and it would make this his real, actual life, every day. It would change everything. But it would finally be giving himself exactly what he wanted.

“Of course I do.”

Alex looked like he could jump for joy. “Perfect.” He gave him a quick peck on the lips, a sensation that sent a jolt through Nicky. “For a second, scared you’d say no.”

Nicky just smiled. “Don’t need to be.”

Alex’s smile back at him was like witnessing a beam from the sun itself, and Nicky was suddenly questioning his ability to survive this long-term. But that was something for him to figure out later. Right now, he kind of wanted to be out of this closet. So he took a step away and made a move toward the door.

“Do you think he’ll let us out now?” Nicky wondered.

“Well...do you  _ want  _ to leave?” Alex asked, the suggestion thick in his voice.

“I mean, it smells like cleaning spray in here, so yeah, kinda.”

Alex shook his head. “Ruining the mood, Nicky.”

Nicky lightly smacked his chest. “We have time for that later. Hopefully somewhere other than a broom closet.”

The casual mention of them doing this again later made a blush spread across his face. They could do this again. They could do this as many times as they wanted.

Alex liked the sound of that. “I’ll hold you to that.” He winked, and any hope Nicky had at walking out of this room being any color other than red was gone. “Time for Greenie to let us out.”

He leaned over and pounded on the door. “Greenie! We done in here. Let us out.”

“Did you work your shit out?”

Alex glanced back at Nicky, a sparkle in his eye. “Yes. Now please open the door.”

After a few moments of hearing loud scraping noises of heavy things being dragged away from the doorway, the door finally opened, and after what felt like an eternity, they were finally able to breathe fresh air from the other side.

But it wasn’t just Mike out here. Marcus was here too. And Dima. And John and Karl. Everyone Nicky had suspected of being accomplices to the setup. They were all standing, waiting like they were a receiving party at an airport. And all of them had shit-eating grins on their faces.

“Mike, what’s all this?” Nicky asked.

“Oh, these guys? They were just keeping me company while you guys were inside. You two were in there for quite a long time.”

Nicky shot Mike a death glare, but Mike just responded with a grin just like the rest of them.

John spoke up, “Hey, can we ask you something? We’re very curious.”

“No,” Nicky said.

John ignored him. “What exactly happened in there? We are  _ dying  _ to know.”

“Yes, every detail, please,” Karl added.

Nicky was appalled. “Uh, what happened is none of any of your business, and I am not telling any one of you a single goddam thing —”

“We made out. It was hot,” Alex declared.

Nicky’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates, and he smacked Alex hard on the shoulder. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You can’t just tell that to people!”

Alex grinned. “But it’s true.”

Nicky wanted to melt into the floor and die. “Oh, for god’s sake.”

The crowd of teammates around them had varied expressions of shock, delight, and smugness on their faces. Nicky knew he was never going to hear the end of this. Ever. Although, that was probably going to be inevitable, if he and Alex were going to continue on his path. The thought of that was a nice burst of pleasure, which was a nice momentary distraction from all these fuckers, who were nowhere near done tormenting him.

“Gotta say, I’m impressed,” Karl said.

“So, was that  _ all _ you did in there, or…” Marcus asked.

“Of course that’s all!” Nicky exclaimed. “What else did you think was going to go on, you pervs?”

They all began to look at each other, as if they were conferring on something. Nicky didn’t like the look of this at all.

“Well, shall we?” Mike asked.

“Let’s do it,” John said.

Nicky was about to have a panic over what was about to happen, but then they all fished their wallets out of their back pockets and began exchanging cash.

“Alright, who had makeout sesh?”

“Jojo did.”

Oh my god. They had been placing  _ bets  _ on them.

“Okay, who had love confession?” Mike asked the group.

“I did,” Karl said. “Wait, there  _ was _ one of those, right?” He looked to Nicky and Alex.

Nicky scoffed. “I am  _ not _ telling you that, you —”

“Yes,” Alex interrupted.

Nicky whipped his head towards Alex. “Are you in on this?” he asked.

Alex shook his head. “No, but I —”

“But you’re  _ okay _ with it?”

“Yeah! I think it’s fun.”

“They were  _ betting _ on us!”

“And I feel flattered. Means they care.”

Nicky put his head in his hands. “I’m going to kill you,” he growled.

“No, you won’t.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Okay, so that’s a win for Karl on the love confession,” Mike continued. He looked back at Alex. “Who confessed first?”

Nicky took his head out of his hands. “What the fuck kind of bets were you —”

“Nicky.”

Mike smirked. “Aw, sweet.” Nicky felt the strong urge to kill him. “And that was…”

“Jojo again.”

“Alright, another for Jojo. And...oh! Alex, who initiated that makeout sesh?”

“Me.”

“Do you have no understanding of the concept of privacy?” Nicky asked.

“Oh and it looks like I’m actually the winner on that one,” Mike said. “Now, how long did this whole thing take to happen?”

“Over four years,” Karl said.

“Yeah, Mike, you’re the big winner there, none of the rest of us put down over a year,” Marcus said.

“‘Cause I’ve been around these idiots longer than the rest of you,” Mike said as he collected his winnings.

Nicky decided he couldn’t take this anymore. “Either finish the rest of this somewhere else, or I am leaving.”

Alex put a hand on his shoulder, relieving some of the tension he didn’t realize he’d built up. “Hey, hey, relax. I’m sure these guys can be chill.” He looked out at the rest of them. “RIGHT, GUYS?”

Realizing that they were at risk for some serious consequences from the captain, they all stopped and immediately shoved the cash back in their pockets. “Yup, sure thing, we’re chill. We’re incredibly chill.”

Nicky felt a sudden burst of affection. And now he really wanted to be alone with him again.

“Seriously, guys, we’re happy for you. Really,” John said.

“It’s been a very long time coming,” Karl commented.

“I mean, we could all see it coming, we were just waiting for you two to figure it out yourselves,” Mike said.

“See, Nicky? They happy for us. Like good friends.”

The smile Alex was flashing him was the only reason he was not close to murder. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, thanks guys.”

“You’re welcome for locking you in a closet together,” Mike said.

Nicky glared at him. “Shut up, Mike.”

“I’ll take that as a thank you.”

Nicky shook his head. He looked at Alex. “Can we leave? I think I need to hide for awhile.”

“Of course. Whatever you want, Nicky.” He took his hand off his shoulder and extended it to him. And even though he knew everyone was watching and probably taking bets about what they were going to do once they left the room, Nicky realized he didn’t actually care all that much (as long as he didn’t have to hear about it), and he took his hand and followed Alex out.

Karl’s voice called out to them as they left: “Hey, just so you know, John was the one who bet on you two banging!”

“Hey! Don’t throw me under the bus! You’re supposed to love me!”

Nicky let the voices drown out behind him. Right now, they didn’t matter. All he wanted to do was have some time alone with the man whose hand he was holding. They had a lot of time they needed to catch up on.

Unfortunately, that time was not going to be now, because they were intercepted by Sasha in the lobby.

“Hey! Sanya! Kolya!” he glanced down at their linked hands. “I see their plan worked.”

“You knew about that?” Nicky questioned.

“Oh yeah,” Sasha confirmed. “They come to me, they have this big plan, set up intervention, get you both together. Me, I have no interest in this plan. Too much work. Besides, I know you will get together eventually anyway. I have known this for a long time.”

“A long time?”

“Yes. Both of you obvious.” He tilted his head for a second, considering something. “Actually, let me steal Sanya a moment. I will give him back, I must give him advice. Trust me, you want it.”

Before either of them could put up a protest, Sasha grabbed Alex’s arm and forcefully dragged him around the corner, where he would presumably only keep him for a minute. But that still left Nicky in the lobby alone. Though not for very long. 

“Nicke, where’d lover boy go?” It was Marcus, who apparently had left the other guys to come find him.

_ Lover boy _ made his heart flip. “Sasha stole him. Says he’s gonna give him back once he gives him ‘advice,’ but I’m not sure I trust him.”

“That he’s giving him back or the advice?”

“Both.”

They both had a laugh at that. “Yeah, you’re probably right,” Marcus said. He paused for a beat, a grin appearing on his face. “You know, I don’t wanna say that I was right, but I was right.”

Nicky shook his head. “You don’t need to gloat about it.”

“I think I do a little,” Marcus said with a grin. “Did you really think you could keep this from me? All those times you made me center him when you were ‘fighting’ or whatever? Your face literally every time I say his name to you? You’re as obvious as a warning label, Nicke. This was never a secret. Everybody knew.”

Nicky frowned. “Gee, that makes me feel great.”

“And like, you really should have known about him, too. All those times calling looking for you. He actually called me at  _ least  _ seven times. And that day in the city was so painfully obviously for you, not Dima. And also, like, literally everything he’s ever done ever.”

“Maybe I wasn’t thinking completely straight,” Nicky admitted.

Marcus chuckled. “Well, that’s the truth. He really did make you act like a complete fool.” Marcus looked sweetly at him. “The crazy ones drive you crazy.”

“Shut up, Jojo,” Nicky snarled. “Just wait until  _ you _ fall in love with a Russian. You and Dima, I can see it now.”

Marcus started to laugh, loud and hard, like he had never heard anything more ridiculous in his life. “That is  _ not  _ going to happen. Dima is not my type. I’m constantly afraid he’ll punch me in the face. Besides,  _ I  _ need to be the moody one in the relationship, and he is  _ far _ moodier than me.”

“That’s very high maintenance of you.”

Marcus shrugged. “I know what I like.”

Nicky rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Jojo. It’s still gonna happen, I know it is. Someone else is gonna show up, and you’re gonna be head-over-heels.”

“Yeah, okay,” Marcus said, his voice full of skepticism. “If another Russian shows up, and he’s just a perfect ray of sunshine who actually wants to deal with me, then you can tell me I told you so.”

“And I will give you just as much shit as you gave me over this.”

“That is for future us to worry about. For now, it’s still my turn.” Marcus grinned. 

“Great. So much to look forward to.”

“There definitely is.”

They heard footsteps approaching from around the corner. Nicky’s heart started to race, knowing it was Alex. Marcus seemed to pick up on that, too. He gave Nicky a knowing smile. “I’ll leave you to it.”

He left, and in his place was Alex, face glowing, smile bright. Nicky felt that warm feeling he now always got whenever he saw him. He just wanted to drink him in, absorb every part of him.

“Hey,” Nicky greeted. “So what was the ‘advice’ Sasha wanted to give you?”

“Seduction tactics,” Alex answered. “But I think I’m doing a great job on my own.” That he was. The look he was currently giving him made Nicky just want to melt. “Now...where were we?”

Oh, the charm in his voice. He loved him. Dearly. “Following your lead.”

“Yes, of course.” He stepped close and took Nicky’s hand, his thumb caressing Nicky’s palm. “Would you like to come up to my room?”

Nicky had never wanted anything more in his entire life. He looked up at him, all the fondness in the world on his face. “Yes.”

And when Alex pulled on his hand to whisk him away, he held on tight. He was never letting him go. Not now, not ever. It was the two of them, together, until the very end.

* * *

His phone rang. It was Alex, calling him once again, like he had every day for the past two weeks. He knew exactly what he was going to say, it was the same every time. But that didn’t stop Nicky from going warm and smiling whenever he saw Alex’s name light up his phone.

He picked up the phone. “Alex?”

“Backy! When you gonna join me in Russia?” There it was, the same question as always. “Will you come to me in Russia?”

Up until now, the answer, every time, had been no. He didn’t know Russia, he didn’t know the language, he would be a total fish out of water. He wanted to see if there were any more lucrative opportunities at home in Sweden. He pulled out every excuse he could to combat how nervous he was.

But it all boiled down to one thing: he wanted to see Alex. He wanted to be with Alex. He didn’t want this lockout to separate them for months on end, especially after they had finally been honest with each other about their feelings. He wasn’t going to be without him.

Even though he’d been putting it off, even though he’d been playing coy, there was really only one answer.

So for the first time, his answer was different.

“Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Bonus points if you can guess who Mojo is foreshadowing at the end there.
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed! This was a lot of fun, and I hope it met all your expectations.


End file.
